September 22nd, 2012
11:39 AM ET

Letters to the President #1342: 'A premature pumpkin'

Reporter's Note: President Obama probably won’t have much time to enjoy Halloween. Then again, he probably doesn’t have much time for letters like this either…but I keep sending them.

Dear Mr. President,

So I heard on the radio that Joe Biden bought one whopping big pumpkin to bring back to D.C.! Good for him!

I love autumn, and although I rarely indulge in any pumpkin purchasing this far ahead of Halloween, I too seem somewhat caught in the fever this year. My wife and I were driving through Virginia and we passed a lovely vegetable stand overflowing with bright orange pumpkins, or “punkins,” as some of our fellow citizens are prone to say.

At first we were inclined to drive by with nary but an admiring glance. After all, whoever heard of buying September pumpkins? What am I going to carve…a Post Labor Day-O-Lantern? A Yom Kip-gourd? It made no sense.

But inexplicably we found ourselves veering into the gravel parking lot and staggering into the patch with glazed eyes. We picked them up. We poked them. We debated their weight, shape, and general appearance. It was a lot like what babies go through at a family reunion.

And in the end, we bought not one…but two!

I can’t imagine that they will last for the whole month, which is a shame because there is almost nothing sadder than a wilted Jack-O-Lantern. Whenever we have to throw one out I lie down on the front porch like Rose at the end of Titanic and reach toward the trashcan at the curb, saying “Jack…come back…” My wife doesn’t care for it, but I think it is hilarious.

Actually, I think the main reason we bought them is that we are desperate for something else to think about other than the election. Ha! You too? If you happen to come over the house this weekend, make sure you ask to see them. We’ve never had such early pumpkins before, and we’re understandably proud. Hey, maybe you and I can carve one to look like Biden! Hee hee hee.