Reporter's Note: President Obama must now pick a new Supreme Court nominee. Which reminds me, I must pick up my dry cleaning…but first, a letter.
[cnn-photo-caption image=http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2010/POLITICS/04/05/stevens.supreme.court/smlvid.stevens.gi.jpg caption="Justice John Paul Stevens announced his decision to retire Friday." width=300 height=169]
Tom Foreman | BIO
Dear Mr. President,
The speed at which suggestions for new Supreme Court nominees are pelting down upon you head is positively dazzling. Why Justice Stevens merely whispers that he’s going to retire, and the ear-grabbers are at work before he even tees up his first golf ball! Ah well, I suppose there is nothing to do except endure and do your best. However, I notice you said you will move quickly to replace him, and that has me worried, because I think I know what is on your mind. And I’m sorry to say, once again, I’m just not available.
Of course I would make an excellent Justice. We all know that, even Biden who appears to be almost mad with jealously. I am fair-minded, generous and disciplined at once. As I’ve told you, I’ve watched The Verdict, Twelve Angry Men, and a boatload of Law and Order episodes; and I’ve read most of the John Grisham novels, so I am more than merely acquainted with the law. Yet, I repeat, I will not take the job.
This pains me to say, since I generally believe in the old principle of doing whatever a president asks. But it would be such a mistake to turn to me in this case, just as it would have been before when I successfully steered you away and you wound up with Sonia Sotomayor. (Yes, yes, I realize she will always be a “second choice,” but let’s keep that our little secret.)
Why would I be the wrong pick? Oh heavens, do I have to spell it out? First, I am happy in my current position. As I’ve told you, I take the profession of journalism with the same dedication and seriousness that produces brain surgeons or world class jugglers.
Second, despite my wisdom, I’m rather silly at times, and would undoubtedly embarrass you during the confirmation hearings. Do I have to point out to you the natural comedic possibilities of phrases like “rummaging through my briefs”? See? You’re already shaking your head.
And third, well, I get bored easily. The court hears matters of great import, weighs the arguments, researches the precedents, sweats the details, debates the merits… and… and…I was practically nodding off just writing that.
So I hope you take this well. You’ll just have to accept now that you won’t be able to notch my name on your Supreme Court column, as much as you’d like to. Sorry, but it’s best this way.
That said good luck in your search. You can call if you need some names to consider, and unlike last time, I won’t include Flavor Flav. We both know how that went…
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