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June 8th, 2009
11:43 AM ET

In hindsight I should have shown more skin

[cnn-photo-caption image=http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/images/06/08/art.tony.awards.jpg caption="Cast and crew of 'The Norman Conquests' speak on stage during the 63rd Annual Tony Awards at Radio City Music Hall on June 7, 2009 in New York City."]

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

The Tony Awards were given out last night here in New York. I boycotted them over the snub of my one-man show,  Nice to Meet You, Now Please Get Out of My Bed.

I’m at a loss, frankly, as to why I was passed over. It’s not like I was a diva. In fact, I went out of my way to encourage audience participation. I don’t care what the critics say, folks in the mezzanine loved those diet pills.

The only reason I can think of – aside from the unpleasantness with that jar of Nutella – for this theatrical injustice is that the Broadway establishment didn’t like my burlesque tribute to Angela Lansbury: “Murder, She Wrote…All Night Long.”

I mean, yes, there were those who raised their eyebrows at my habit of spending intermission arm-wrestling with Kathleen Turner. But those are the same people who criticized the opening line of the show. Which, by the way, I think says less about me than it does about their fear to consider the question: “What would Jennifer Love Hewitt do?”

And sure, 43 minutes of the show were me weeping over a spilled container of body glitter. If you didn’t like it, well, I’m sorry you hate America.

By the way, no, it’s not considered nudity if you’re covered in Grand Marnier.

I’ll be honest, the timing of this snub couldn’t be worse. I’m trying to nail down a deal to sell the film rights and I’m worried that, without recognition from the Tony Awards, I’ll never realize my dream of being portrayed on the silver screen by Mary-Kate Olsen.

Meanwhile, the chances of me staging my follow-up Broadway production are now slim to none. It’s beyond disappointing. I had such high hopes for Any Day You Don’t Sleep With Your Landlord is a Good Day.

But, look, I’m not naïve. At least not after that night with Liza Minnelli at Red Lobster. I’m aware that edgy theater productions such as mine are easily dismissed as unappealing to a wide audience. America wants high-quality mainstream entertainment like NBC’s  I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here – a reality show so far best known for the alleged torture of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag somewhere in the Costa Rican jungle. I’ve yet to see an episode of this trainwreck, but rest assured, I will tune in for the finale – provided the aforementioned Couple from Hell is shot out of a cannon.

Just don’t shoot them in the direction of Broadway.

Follow @jackgraycnn on Twitter

soundoff (64 Responses)
  1. Lisa

    You are hilarious!! Jack, don't keep anything back next time, ya hear???

    June 9, 2009 at 2:26 am |
  2. @core17

    Mmmmmm . . .. Nutella!

    June 8, 2009 at 11:16 pm |
  3. pawspagal

    Jack, you are my daily dose of good old fashioned hilarity. I love your posts on twitter, but this blog post tops them all. I wish we were friends, you are the kind of guy I'd love to hang out with...thanks for making me smile.

    I luv ya,

    Pawspagal

    June 8, 2009 at 10:20 pm |
  4. Rikki, Fargo, ND

    Jack is back! Yay! How we've missed you! Excellent blog today! 🙂 You have no idea how much brighter your blog make my Mondays! 🙂 Thanks Jack!

    June 8, 2009 at 10:13 pm |
  5. Lori from IL

    Jack is back!! Yeah!! Thanks for all the yucks - just wondering how Neil Patrick Harris would have worked you/your show into his hilarious finale.

    June 8, 2009 at 9:28 pm |
  6. Pamina in New Rochelle

    Well Jack, I for one am disappointed that the Tony's did not recognize your show, which is obviously from the mind of a genius!! I will be waiting anxiously for your next production. I'm sure the Academy will recognize you next time around!
    Glad to have you back!!!

    June 8, 2009 at 8:51 pm |
  7. Anna, HK

    Well Jack, after all these feedback from your bloggers, it's time to stop crying... & get your act together!

    June 8, 2009 at 8:10 pm |
  8. Krista

    Great as usual Jack! Glad to see you're blogging again!

    June 8, 2009 at 7:56 pm |
  9. Tim Baran

    Funny post – terrific writing!
    Discovered you and this article via Twitter and as I posted there, "...didn't watch the Tonys & don't know the author but a good piece transcends, eh?..."
    Thanks for the chuckle.

    @BaranLLC

    June 8, 2009 at 6:37 pm |
  10. Miss J

    Hey Jack – can you remind Anderson that some of us are looking for the NY store where the allegedly delicious carrot cake came from? I think he said it was in Harlem?

    June 8, 2009 at 6:29 pm |
  11. shelly drori

    with you jack, its like waiting for the 114x bus. you wait ages then they all come at once. i read your blog, laughed my head off and then watched the vid you tweeted, and fell on the floor in hysterics. all i need now is a few late nite tweets from you to complete my otherwise not so funny day and i have my fix.
    thanks so much for sharing your funniness.

    June 8, 2009 at 5:31 pm |
  12. Annie Kate

    Hey Jack

    Glad you are back; we missed you! Don't get discouraged over your production not being nominated – all the greats were panned in their day. Its like a great artist – you can't sell anything while you are alive and need money to eat but once you die of hunger those paintings start selling like hot cakes. I bet your productions catch on soon and you will receive the acclaim you are due....or the rotten fruit. One or the other, its still recognition.

    don't leave us again. The weeks are dreary without your wit to give us a treat to look forward to!!

    June 8, 2009 at 5:23 pm |
  13. Claudia H.

    I heard that you and Anderson Cooper are the same person! True?

    June 8, 2009 at 4:57 pm |
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