[cnn-photo-caption image=http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/SHOWBIZ/04/22/star.trek.screening.room/art.star.trek.new.pp.jpg caption="Actors in the new Star Trek movie, which opens this weekend."]
So apparently there’s a Star Trek movie opening this weekend. I know this not because I’m a fan of the franchise, but because Lou Dobbs keeps giving me the Vulcan salute.
Now, I’ll level with you, I’ve never actually seen an entire episode of Star Trek. Not the original. Not Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not even Star Trek Saves Christmas.
All I know is what I've pieced together by flipping through the channels in between Ron Popeil infomercials. From what I've gathered, the whole thing was based around a group of guys – Captain Kirk, Scotty, and Spock – who met at Gamblers Anonymous and later moved into a spaceship/meth lab.
Now, just because I’ve never seen an episode or any of the movies doesn’t mean that I have anything against Star Trek. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, quality television begins and ends with two words: William Shatner. Hell, I named my guinea pig T.J. Hooker. Sure, he died of malnutrition but that’s beside the point. I’ve just always had a tough time wrapping my mind around science fiction characters. Which explains my aversion to the cast of MTV's The Hills.
Anyway, William Shatner and the rest of the Star Trek gang all lived together on this thing called the Starship Enterprise. Their only neighbor was Sam Donaldson. Sam and Spock bought their hair at the same outlet mall.
Ratings for Star Trek were initially low, likely due to Captain Kirk’s habit of sunbathing in a teddy. But producers, to their credit, quickly realized the secret to ratings success. Prostitutes. And lots of them.
So, from that point on, the Star Trek crew sailed around in outer space with their cadre of call girls, frequently welcoming guest stars like Kermit the Frog and Florence Henderson.
Ratings were additionally boosted by those legendary dance-offs between the Vulcans and the Klingons.
And, of course, like it’s spin-off series, Full House, Star Trek was known for its “very special” episodes. I know I speak for the entire nation when I say we held our breath when Scotty thought he was pregnant.
Now, as I said, there’s a new movie version being released. It stars Kathie Lee Gifford and Nicolas Sarkozy. I also know that Leonard Nimoy is in it because, well, who among us doesn’t have a Google alert set for Leonard Nimoy?
I don’t know much about the plot of the film, except for one scene where Captain Kirk gets into a dispute with the night manager of a Holiday Inn Express and a subsequent melee winds up in full-front nudity.
And, obviously, I would never reveal anything about the ending. Let’s just say you Courtney Love fans won’t be disappointed.
So, here's to Star Trek and all the Trekkies out there. I hope this weekend is a blast.
In the meantime: Live long and prosper, Lou Dobbs.
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