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May 6th, 2009
12:41 PM ET

Beam me up, Scotty (but be gentle, I just had my nose done)

[cnn-photo-caption image=http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2009/SHOWBIZ/04/22/star.trek.screening.room/art.star.trek.new.pp.jpg caption="Actors in the new Star Trek movie, which opens this weekend."]

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

So apparently there’s a Star Trek movie opening this weekend. I know this not because I’m a fan of the franchise, but because Lou Dobbs keeps giving me the Vulcan salute.

Now, I’ll level with you, I’ve never actually seen an entire episode of Star Trek. Not the original. Not Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not even Star Trek Saves Christmas.

All I know is what I've pieced together by flipping through the channels in between Ron Popeil infomercials. From what I've gathered, the whole thing was based around a group of guys – Captain Kirk, Scotty, and Spock – who met at Gamblers Anonymous and later moved into a spaceship/meth lab.

Now, just because I’ve never seen an episode or any of the movies doesn’t mean that I have anything against Star Trek. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, quality television begins and ends with two words: William Shatner. Hell, I named my guinea pig T.J. Hooker. Sure, he died of malnutrition but that’s beside the point. I’ve just always had a tough time wrapping my mind around science fiction characters. Which explains my aversion to the cast of MTV's The Hills.

Anyway, William Shatner and the rest of the Star Trek gang all lived together on this thing called the Starship Enterprise. Their only neighbor was Sam Donaldson. Sam and Spock bought their hair at the same outlet mall.

Ratings for Star Trek were initially low, likely due to Captain Kirk’s habit of sunbathing in a teddy. But producers, to their credit, quickly realized the secret to ratings success. Prostitutes. And lots of them.

So, from that point on, the Star Trek crew sailed around in outer space with their cadre of call girls, frequently welcoming guest stars like Kermit the Frog and Florence Henderson.

Ratings were additionally boosted by those legendary dance-offs between the Vulcans and the Klingons.

And, of course, like it’s spin-off series, Full House, Star Trek was known for its “very special” episodes. I know I speak for the entire nation when I say we held our breath when Scotty thought he was pregnant.

Now, as I said, there’s a new movie version being released. It stars Kathie Lee Gifford and Nicolas Sarkozy. I also know that Leonard Nimoy is in it because, well, who among us doesn’t have a Google alert set for Leonard Nimoy?

I don’t know much about the plot of the film, except for one scene where Captain Kirk gets into a dispute with the night manager of a Holiday Inn Express and a subsequent melee winds up in full-front nudity.

And, obviously, I would never reveal anything about the ending. Let’s just say you Courtney Love fans won’t be disappointed.

So, here's to Star Trek and all the Trekkies out there. I hope this weekend is a blast.

In the meantime: Live long and prosper, Lou Dobbs.

Follow Jack Gray on Twitter @jackgraycnn

soundoff (79 Responses)
  1. Jolene, St. Joseph, MI

    Hi Jack: So you are not a "trekkie" eh? Well, whenever I say "Beam me up, Scotty", it means give me a shot of Jim Beam fast! Of course, Scotty, being the name of my favorite bartender.....afteralll how else are we to deal with the fact that there really is “no intelligent life down here”. At least in my world, there isn't....

    It really didn’t occur to me but after thinking about it, I do agree with some of the other bloggers, Anderson does look a bit like Spock! 😳

    Thanks for blogging today!

    May 6, 2009 at 10:33 pm |
  2. Eun Hye

    Oh Jack! I love you, I really do!

    May 6, 2009 at 10:05 pm |
  3. Shirley

    LOL!!!!! I love Star Trek (the original) but this was hilarious.

    May 6, 2009 at 9:58 pm |
  4. Carol B. in MD

    Unfortunately, I got stuck watching this show several times but parts of it are hilarious (whether intentional or not.) Yes, there's the Vulcan salute, but there's also the corny, telepathic, mind-meld. Two brains become one through skull massage & frequency. Hopefully, you'll never hear those now famous lyrics,"What's the frequency, (Jack)?"

    May 6, 2009 at 9:16 pm |
  5. Helen

    The post made me laugh and cringe! I can't wait to see the new movie and I hope you do to Mr. Gray, just so you can see what the fuss is about!

    May 6, 2009 at 8:51 pm |
  6. Helen, Reading, UK

    Hey Jack and everyone! I'm blogging from what has been my sick bed for the last day or two. Don't want to get too graphic, but I had a bad case of Klingons on the starboard bow.. Enjoy your dinner peeps x

    May 6, 2009 at 8:25 pm |
  7. starshadow

    OK, I am laughing more than I should be on a rainy morning! As one who grew up with the original series, I was probably the only fan in my circle of fellow Trek-watchers who loved Dr. McCoy. DeForest Kelley was an absolute darling in my eyes, with his recurrent disclaimers: "I'm a doctor, not a...!"

    Loved this entry! 🙂

    May 6, 2009 at 8:03 pm |
  8. Annie Kate

    Jack

    I'm a trekkie – the original show type with Nimoy and Shatner, Scotty and McCoy (he's dead Jim). You should try to watch some of the original shows – they are campy at best now but still fun. (I think Nick at night has them on).

    I do think Anderson looks a lot like Mr. Spock, especially in the ears. If they were just a little bit more pointed he'd be almost a perfect match (Silver Vulcan Fox?). He has the serious face Spock used and he can lift his eyebrows to convey different expressions. Until his ears get more pointed though he looks like an Irish leprechaun. And no, there weren't any of those on Star Trek.

    Funny post. Live long and prosper. Or maybe in these hard economic times I should say Live long and break even.

    May 6, 2009 at 7:45 pm |
  9. deb

    Hilarious Mr Gray; Best take I've read in a long time. Thanks for a laugh. Mr. Shatner also amuses ; I find his every incarnation intriging.

    May 6, 2009 at 7:38 pm |
  10. John Hobarth

    Jack, As always you rock. Thanks for ending a very stressfull day with a laugh. Keep up the good work and tweets.

    May 6, 2009 at 7:06 pm |
  11. Stara

    lol your blogs are always great to read , keep up the great work

    May 6, 2009 at 6:14 pm |
  12. Kathy Bradley

    Anderson must keep you out of sight during his show. You can tell he thinks you're hilarious and so do I. I'll never be able to think of star trek again without thinking of Lou Dobbs and Sam Donaldson!

    May 6, 2009 at 6:03 pm |
  13. Don, WA

    Scotty was great, he always beamed them up just in time, and he always fixed the warp drive just in time. And was consistantly on the bridge exclaiming, "she can't take much more of this captain!" (Which, before reading this very funny and informative blog, I had always assumed was in reference to the enterprise ship).

    May 6, 2009 at 5:48 pm |
  14. Zaza

    This made my day!

    May 6, 2009 at 5:40 pm |
  15. Bonnie

    I think you are hilarious Jack! Love your blogs. . .

    May 6, 2009 at 5:22 pm |
  16. Kim

    After living with and marrying a trekkie. I LOVE this blog. My husband and I constantly joke about the "space hookers" from the original star trek. Kirk didn't hate.. he loved them all. lol Too bad he never came across a preying mantis like species and got eaten.. that would have been worth listening to his over dramatic acting. No wonder spock was so monotone.. to make up for the extra EMO from the capt.
    Keep the blogs coming. gives me a laugh every time.

    May 6, 2009 at 4:50 pm |
  17. BettyAnn, Nacogdoches,TX

    I Don't Like Frickin' Sci-Fi Either Jack!
    Something we have in common as well as canine drug addicts. I'm still looking for the Lassie Rehab Center for my Granddog. It is getting old trying to explain to my Physican why I keep running out of xanax.
    Anywho, I am not a Treker but I AM a William Shatner fan. Don't you just love a gun toting vegan?
    Psst, I have a little crush on Denny Crane. I want him to make a woman out of me in MY foyer while I do something kinky like eat twizzlers.
    I'll probably get around to seeing the new Trek movie but give me time!
    I just rented Doubt and and still waiting to find someone who recorded HBO's Grey Gardens (hint, hint)
    You know Jack, You have to understand something about Texas.
    Not only do we have to dodge bullets, we have to dodge the law enforcement too. I am refering to the crooked mess in Tenaha Which is just up the road a piece from Nacogdoches. Thank God for attorney and friend David Guillory. We must move araound "gingerly" so as not to loose our jewelry to the police!
    Poor David. He is really ticking off all the officers around here. Pretty soon he will need Denny Crane.
    Thanks for the "hoot and holler" today.
    You are FAB Jack!
    XO's and Tail Wags,
    @BettyAnnTX

    May 6, 2009 at 4:49 pm |
  18. Dan Glenn

    I must be getting old or am I part Vulcan? I failed to see the realy humor.

    May 6, 2009 at 4:46 pm |
  19. Angie -West Chester is the Best Chester

    Don't lie Jack, don't lie- you know you ordered a Tribble from thinkgeek and it's on your desk right now!

    PS Ron Popeil is the best!

    May 6, 2009 at 4:37 pm |
  20. Tammy, Berwick, LA

    OK. The Trek baby speaks. I grew up watching the original series with my dad over the years, watched TNG in college, and still am a fan. Two of my college TNG buddies and I are going see the new movie this weekend just to compare notes. The original series was written to show that people from different walks of life could learn to get along. It was very appropriate for its day and time. It's still relevant today. A new generation of fans to keep the money making machine going is never a bad thing...

    May 6, 2009 at 4:33 pm |
  21. Christine

    A classic, as always Jack. Has anyone ever told you that you'd look cute in vulcan ears?

    May 6, 2009 at 4:27 pm |
  22. Ramone Diaz, Venezuela

    Live long and prosper, Jack.
    @ramonediaz

    May 6, 2009 at 3:48 pm |
  23. Dulcie - Denver

    Hahahaha! This had me laughing like a loon. All my workmates think I've lost my mind. It's probably an improvement.

    Great blog entry. Thanks for the laugh.

    May 6, 2009 at 3:47 pm |
  24. @radrc

    @jackgraycnn,

    Yet another fabulous blog (or should I say "borg"?)! This is just what I needed to make it thru this crazy, crazy Wednesday.

    Thanks, Jack!

    May 6, 2009 at 3:47 pm |
  25. Eleanor Coombs

    Job well done Mr. Gray. I'm not a fan of Star Trek either....try not watch any science fiction. But, your commentaries makes me giggle even though i know that most of it do not represent the Movie. I am, however will watch this episode , when it gets to DVD....don't know if I can sit through a .......fiction for a couple of hours; it'll take me a few days. Iawait your next blog for a good laugh....make it good day.

    May 6, 2009 at 3:46 pm |
  26. Barbara in Boston

    I love all things Star Trek - including this blog.

    Jack, you can't tell me you never saw any shows if you know about the Vulcan – Klingon dance-off. It was pon-far night at the Borg assimilation club, doncha remember?

    And don't forget that BOTH Sam and Spock's hair was donated by Captain Picard, who lost a shave-off bet with the Grand Negus.

    And I'll bet your Sammy would love to knock back some margaritas with a Tribble or two.

    Resistance is futile.

    May 6, 2009 at 3:44 pm |
  27. Vanessa, TX

    Hiya Jack..um, I've never seen this Star Trek you speak of..By reading your blog I kinda got an idea of what the show was about..Did it also involved Bob Saget being a clean freak? lol
    Yet, another funny blog..I look forward to your blogs..puts a smile on many ppl's face..Thanx.. 🙂

    May 6, 2009 at 3:36 pm |
  28. Ellenzee, Cherry Hill, NJ

    . Enjoyed this tremendously. CNN & YOU make coming on Twitter worthwhile!!! Thanks for the Great Humor! You have got to get published

    May 6, 2009 at 3:36 pm |
  29. Chris Sosa

    I saw the original series once when I was a child, and I didn't get it then. Don't really get it now either. I think your blog post about summed up my feelings toward the entire franchise, but with much sharper sarcasm. 🙂

    May 6, 2009 at 3:21 pm |
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