I’m excited to hear the government is buying up the country’s toxic assets. Don’t mind me as I jump to the head of the line. I mean, I think we can all agree I never should have given financial backing to that Jimmy Carter impersonator. She was just awful.
And that Robert Frost video game seemed like a good investment at the time, but, in retrospect, it probably was rather tacky to have a digitized version of the poet say “I have miles to go before I sleep” right before he shot a carjacker.
I could accept responsibility for my own financial mistakes, but – as is the American way – I prefer to blame others. In no particular order: Betty White, Prince Charles, anyone who works at CNBC and, of course, John Stamos.
I also blame my dog, Sammy, whose voracious appetite for check fraud and Ecstasy forced me to pawn the Oscar I stole from Meryl Streep.
My financial stress is further exacerbated by the fact that I still haven’t won the Powerball jackpot. Don’t feel bad for me, though. Feel bad for the people at the lottery commission. They’re the ones who obviously hate America.
I guess before I get too excited about our toxic assets being bought up I should consider the reality in Washington:
It’s unclear how much support President Obama is going to get for his plan. Gone are the glory days when the president would go up to Capitol Hill and members of Congress would cheer and throw their underwear at him. Sure, Senator Dodd still does, but even he has downgraded from silk to cotton.
To be clear, not all my assets are toxic. True, my American Express bill is a bit radioactive – somewhere in between glowing in the dark and sprouting a tail. But I have done my part to stimulate the economy. And by that I mean I bought a Snuggie. I was a bit wary at first, but as soon as I saw the commercial I realized I had wasted precious years not hanging around a campfire draped in billowy, oversized fleece with my arms just inches from a roaring flame and flying embers.
I also recently bought an iPhone. Because I am nothing if not a trendsetter.
Anyway, as with everything the government does, I’m sure that this whole toxic asset thing, too, will go smoothly.
Unless of course it doesn’t. In which case, look for Tim Geithner on a reality show near you.
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