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It finally happened, I decided to give it up. Sugar. And no, "Sugar" is not some lover I've had stashed on Key Largo. That was over months ago and you know it. I'm talking about actual sugar. The stuff with which we season broccoli and exfoliate our skin in the shower. What? Don't look at me like that.
Frankly, this was a long time coming. When you find yourself ecstatic that Anderson is going on a road trip because it means you can barricade yourself in his breakfast nook and do shots of rare maple syrups, you know you have a problem. Which is exactly what I said to Larry King when I found him in there, his suspenders covered in pancake batter.
But, as the old saying goes, people in glass houses bought with mortgages they couldn't afford in the first place shouldn't throw stones, so I told Larry that I, too, was a sugar addict. And, I added apropos of nothing, the next time he has Joan Rivers on his program he should really give a viewer discretion warning about her plastic surgery.
Anyway, I decided I needed some time off to think about whether I could handle eliminating sugar from my life. So I went to Florida to relax. And while everything was great at first - touring orange groves, wrestling alligators with Jeb Bush - I quickly fell into my old habit of Google mapping the nearest Dairy Queen on my iPhone. It was my vacation in Tunisia all over again.
Before I knew it, it was time to return to New York. And, you know me, I'm nothing if not devoted to journalism. So, as soon as my wrinkle cream and cowboy boots cleared baggage claim, I immediately went to my apartment to catch up on the news I had missed.
And that's when it hit me. Not only would giving up sugar be the healthy thing to do, but the violent withdrawal symptoms would actually be more pleasant than thinking about the economy. You can have AIG and Tim Geithner, I'll gladly take cold sweats in bed and hallucinations in the CVS candy aisle.
I know what you're thinking: Jack is stressed, he's lost his mind, he's talking about himself in the third person. But, let me tell you, Jack is fine. Really. He always smokes cigarettes out of his ears and shouts at senior citizens in crosswalks to speed it up.
Furthermore, I have tremendous support among my friends. My colleague Kirk McDonald took me to the grocery store to purchase some sugar free snacks. It was a delightful and eye opening experience. And don't believe the rumors. I did not try to push Kirk into oncoming traffic because he denied me Hostess Yodels.
So here I am, world, sugar free and loving it. And by loving it I mean weeping in the fetal position.
But at least it's taken my mind off the economy.
Anderson Cooper goes beyond the headlines to tell stories from many points of view, so you can make up your own mind about the news. Tune in weeknights at 8 and 10 ET on CNN.
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