AC360° Associate Producer
So everyone keeps saying “tomorrow is the big day.” And I’m all like, “wait, how do you know I’m getting a tattoo of Larry King doing the Electric Slide?” Then I realize they’re talking about some sort of election, which is apparently also happening tomorrow.
You’ll excuse me if I don’t cry at the conclusion of our electoral process. I don’t cry at weddings, either. I’m the guy hanging out by the open bar, checking his watch and begging the caterer for dessert. Which, come to think of it, has basically been my experience during the campaign. Just replace caterer with Anderson Cooper and dessert with Post-It notes.
I love the pundits who point out with great flourish that the window for a so-called “October Surprise” is closed. Congratulations on being able to read a calendar.
The Republicans attempted a Hail Mary over the weekend by revealing that Barack Obama’s aunt has Jimmy Hoffa tied up in her basement with a “Change We Need” sticker slapped across his mouth. Or that she is in the United States illegally, I forget which. Anyway, it was a understandable move by the GOP because – as history tells us – undecided voters are often swayed in the waning days of a campaign by what they learn about candidates’ aunts.
Oh, by the way – Mitt Romney says he’s not thinking about running for president in 2012. Of course not. Because he hasn’t once considered the possibility that John McCain might lose. And Barack Obama hasn’t once considered how cool it’d be to have a smoke on the Truman Balcony.
A quick side note – last night I went out to eat. Note to restaurant managers everywhere: Just because I put up with poor service from a waiter who forgot my basket of bread because he was too busy searching for the Quaalude he dropped on your shag carpet does not mean it is acceptable to play Christmas carols on November 2nd.
Back to politics – leave it to Dick Cheney to pull the political equivalent of shooting his hunting companion in the face. Someone – Cheney, I’m looking at you – thought it’d be a good idea for him to go in front of cameras on Saturday and extol his support for the McCain-Palin ticket. Because if anyone is going to help win over moderate, independent swing voters 72 hours before an election it’s Dick Cheney.
All indications are that the economy will remain the issue weighing most heavily on voters’ minds tomorrow. Meanwhile, in business news, Circuit City has announced plans to close more than 150 stores across the country. That’s shocking, considering the stellar customer service I have received at Circuit City over the years. Me: “Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the fire exit?” Circuit City employee: “Sorry, I’m on my break.”
America – the land of the free and, thankfully, the home of the open bar.
Filed under: Barack Obama • Jack Gray • John McCain • Raw Politics
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I stumbled upon this blog this morning whilst I was bored at work. Probably the most productive thing I did all day...
As an Australian I've always been interested in your politics and your way of producing a President.... and that you don't have compulsory voting like we do.
But this blog has given me a bigger laugh than watching Sean Hannity try to convince me that Obama is a terrorist. The only link I didn't hear being used was that Obama's cousin 67 times removed is Brad Pitt who played a terrorist in the movie 'The Devil's Own'.... I hope that gets out there before tomorrow.
Anywho, keep up your blogs, no matter what the result please!
hmmm...so this is the infamous Jack Gray! I have read your posts before but never really looked at your name. lol
you are hilarious and the comedy is so appreciated at this time. unfortunately, i missed the webcast episode and am wondering just how handsome you really are. 😉
BTW, i am sedated, ha!
Open bars and tranqs. Hmm. Didn't work the last time I tried it. Doubt it will now. Either way, the next four years will definitely be entertaining; no artificial substances needed to make it so.
And if you think trying to get out during a fire at Circuit City is bad, try getting an Apple laptop fixed there. Thank God the Apple Store opened up after that harrowing experience so I don't have to endure that again.
Loved yet another column from you! I actually don't mind the christmas music, not yet anyway. It'll get annoying the closer we get to the end of December. I just add garland to my pumpkin and call it good. Then, I kick the pumpkin off the porch and grow more next year!
So, are you working tomorrow or will you find some nice, cozy bar to relax in? I'll be tuned to TBPTOT, myself. =)
LOVE YOU GUYS!!
Hellooo Jack!!!! 😉
LOL!!!!! You are so funny man!!!!!! it made me laugh!!! I love this!!!! It help me me more cheer! Yay!!!! I hope you're right!!!! LOL!!! I wish I want be sedated right now!!!!! LOL! Thanks for cheer me up!!!!!
Another winner of a post – its hard to make voters smile at this point but you succeeded.
I can't decide who I really want to win. Now mind you, I have voted already. I just don't know for entertainment purposes who I want to win for purposes of comedians having lots of material over the next 4 years (Bush will be missed) and for watching the best political fortune tellers on tv tomorrow night. Right now they are so confident Obama will seize the day, that I have seriously considered whether I want McCain to win (or seem to win) just to see the egg on their face and hear them stumble over their instant analysis. But is it worth 4 years of GOP rule and Palin? Hmmm...at least Tina Fey would have a lock on material for a while.
So they found Jimmy Hoffa in Obama's aunts basement. Finally! And I bet he is none too pleased. He was good at getting out the vote though so McCain really ought to hurry and talk with him and see if he can help him tomorrow. Its been a while but hey Jimmy never played by the rules anyway so why start now?
You remember King Midas – everything he touched turned to gold? Well, Cheney and Bush have the opposite effect – everything they touch turns to ..... well probably shouldn't use that word on the blog but its something with an aroma that people like to get away from. They wanted to consolidate the GOP party for years to come but instead they have splintered it badly – Cheney's action over the weekend just made sure that McCain will go down with the rest of the GOP. Cheney was just spreading the love, you know.
Keep the posts coming – they are great and the highlight of my day. I really think they ought to name this blog after you now – you blog regularly and you are absolutely hilarious.
Thanks for the laugh. My husband told me that he invited a number of single soldiers to our home for Thanksgiving, no problem we were already having family and friends, so I went out to find some more Thanksgiving decorations and table linens. All I found was a small section of Thanksgiving decorations stuffed between three aisles of clearance Halloween decorations and six friggen aisles of Christmas crap. To top of the shopping experience I was forced to listen to Christmas music throughout the store, I mean hello I have not even taken down my Halloween decorations yet and my kids are still on a sugar overload from Trick or Treating.
Oh thank goodness for Jack! Okay, and Anderson and Erica and all the rest. I can't wait for it all to end. Every time I watch CNN and TBPTOT(had to make sure I had all the letters in the right order) and I hear the same old stump speech, which you know how long is too long when you have it all memorized because you keep hearing it over and over again. Enough already. I think twenty four hours is just too darn long. If you are still undecided it means that you are so not impressed with the two major candidates and keep saying to yourself I can't believe that this is the best we can do. You put it off till the last minute because you know it's going to be painful and why not avoid it for as long as possible. Eight years ago it was the voting process that took forever along with drama and the world watched. Yeah I cried for five mins when Gore lost. But was tired of it all after the recount drama.
The only thing good that has come out of this is was SNL. I'm just sick of the Bias and Bull and Promises Promises that they know they will never keep. Of course I'm sure TBPTOT misses sleeping in their own beds and their own office. First stage denial, next is acceptance and you move on. Does anyone know if Anderson actually sleeps. I love when you go to a place like Circuit City and you ask for help and they point with their had rather than actually taking you to where you are trying to go. Just great service. If I knew where to go I wouldn't be asking you.
Jack, you would think that Obama and McCain would think that since all of their events are on oh CNN etc live that people all over the country have all heard the same speech over and over again. Yeah I have election fatigue. Just think of all those people who donated money that went to all the hateful campaign ads that we all talked about and complained about. I am glad I am not one of those people who gave money. Any money I have would go to my cats who could care less about this stuff.
I love it when people who used to be on campaigns for politicians who werent successful, give their advice. I would think that their advice would be good only if the person won the election.
So, you beg Anderson for Post-It notes? Because he has extra special ones, or do you just have some weird love for Post-Its?
Christmas is upon us... We started selling Christmas decorations almost a month ago now at the store where I work. No one is buying any of them, but I guess they want the customers to know that they could if needed.
Jack, as always, thanks for the fun !! Kristien x
Christmas music: it's about friggin time! Can't wait to get the whole family together.
Wait..where's the q'ludes?
Instead of the Ramones, I'm going with Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes featuring the wonderful, powerful, soulful Teddy Pendergrass: "Wake Up Everybody." Late, perhaps, but better late than never.
Ah Jack, there you go again. Being you. The super hilarious, quirky satirical, sarcastic, silly man. Love it.
Trying to catch my breath from laughing......ok, so someone just texted me and asked "Who do you think will win"? To which I responded "Win what"? Yes, I was well aware of what they were referring to, I was just being a smart @$$ which is just me, I cannot help it. So when I read the beginning of your post, it really made me snicker. Denial is not just a river in Egypt my friend.
Anderson Cooper and post-it-notes? Huh, interesting. Does he hoard them or something? You need to give us the heads up on that. Oh wait, you jacked them all from him so that you could sell them on eBay. (How soon one forgets.)
Open bar indeed, line forms right behind me and Jack! "Yes We Can" get through this with plenty of alcohol! Heh heh.
Here's hoping your candidate wins Jack. Hope to hear from you tomorrow – I mean, come on, it's historic!
Guess what ya'll? I have a neighbor who put up Christmas decorations the day after Halloween.
Jack, I enjoyed your appearance on the webcast. One thing I'm wondering about though....was Sammy mad at you for telling the whole world that she's usually drunk by 10:30pm???? Does she know how to pop open a beer with her paws while you're out? I hope she's speaking to you now.
Friggin' Christmas Songs, we have a radio station that is ONLY playing Christmas music from now until December 26.
What a hi-lite of my morning commute to hear Band Aid's
"Do They Know it's Christmas Time".
Sedate me now please, pass the Egg Nog and left over Candy Corn.
Jack, it's scary how much I look forward to your blogs.
You are the Open Bar during this Election.
You know, I think you deserve a promotion. At least you bother to blog on Anderson's blog unlike somebody else I know who's name is actually on the blog. I guess HIS blogging days are over. Bummer!
Re. customer service, I guess you don't have to live in NYC to get the bad kind. I went to the hardware store last week to look at their doors and garage doors. I asked an employee whether they had any pictures of their garage doors, and the owner who was at the register said that they might have some. Then I mumbled something to the employee how you are supposed to buy something without knowing what it looks like, given all the choices out there. The owner overheard that, turned around and basically told me to take a hike and to go across the mountain to get what I want. We have two hardware stores and I don't like the other one either, but I guess that was the last time I was in their store. I can't believe they're still in business with attitudes like that.
Re. Christmas carols, I am so with you on that. Every year, the stores display their Christmas merchandise earlier. This year, they displayed it way before Thanksgiving merchandise, sometime in September.
I would like to think that CNN is done talking politics when this election is supposedly over tomorrow. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I think it's going to go on forever. By the time they figure out who won, they'll start up the next campaign. Just like with the Christmas merchandise which pretty soon will be displayed all year long.
There's an election tomorrow?
I have everything I need to watch tomorrow's election coverage except for Captain Morgan's Parrot Bay Coconut Rum. I already have my 80's hit by Jefferson Starship "Nothing's Gonna Stop us Now" ready to play all night if my candidate wins. I think it will be a night that I will never forget.
Happy afternoon Jack,
You made my day.
Last October was realy long month to me. This November will be realy special month, whatever surprices will carry, it will remain special month, from history point of view. Either Obama, or Sarah Palin will make history. Let's wait till tomorrow.
I think I need to be sedated!
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go... I wanna be sedated!! But the bars will be closed. Hmmm.
I'm sitting here during my lunch break reading your blog, and something strikes me – I'm unsure if I should be proud of myself or very, very afraid. You see, since your name is still not up on the list of contributors, I'm left to my own devices to locate your blog, and for your last past couple blogs I've been able to pick them out based solely on the title. Now I could be proud of the fact that I'm such a fan that I'm in tune, or troubled by the fact that my mind is somehow working like yours.
The jury is out ... I'm fearful of the verdict...
When the elections are over will you just write comic relief about your life and skip throwing in a political reference or two, they seem secondary anyway 😉
Renee is on the right path... Jack, you should take over DL's show... Jack Gray Breaks the News.
Under DL that show is awful, but it doesn't have to be! C'mon CNN, wake up!
P.S. I have never taken a quaalude but I have seen others take them. All were either very stupid or unconscious.
Anyway, aren't qua's so 60's? Cocaine was so 80's 90's was what? meth? In '08 that waiter probably dropped xanax or oxy. Just an UNeducated guess!
Thanks for the 1,2, ha ha ha!
Hi Jack, Great blog! Hope you had a nice weekend. I have to agree with Renee – I'm not sure what to make of DL's show. Maybe you'll have to give them a leg-up – it's not looking good. Anyway, thankfully, tomorrow this election will finally be over! Good grief......Hey, have a good day today.
I can’t believe it’s come down to this, Jack. I’m so excited about tomorrow. I’m crossing my fingers (and toes) that the person I voted for will win.
The economy should be in the forefront of people’s minds in this election when they make their final decision, not some other distraction. I love it when politicians bring up something inconsequential just to stir up the crowd, then the crowd just buys it, then they forget about the economy. Note to everyone: Focus, people, focus! It’s the economy, your livelihood, your job, that’s at stake here! Focus on what’s important! Without your livelihood or job, you don’t have anything! (Well, unless you’re some millionaire or super-rich person, which the average person is not!) Think about it!
OK, Jack, enough of my rant. Thank you for letting me speak. Whew, that felt good. I needed to get that out.
See you later,
Ahh, Jack, you can just roll through life on your good looks and charm.
Have you considered doing standup A La Rodney Dangerfield?
Rapid fire one liners.
Re; the Ramones....yes this election has gone on so long I am about ready to be sedated!
Everyone's pretty mellow about the election out here. Although we did have some potical humor over the weekend at the adult Halloween party. The Reverend Wright (played by a skinny white guy from England) and an AIG Executive (complete with corporate name tag saying "Thanks for the bailout!") showed up.
Lay low, Jack. It will all be over soon...
Jack as always you have brightened my day with your charm and wit!
All I gotta say is THANK God for there only being twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go...I can't wait until this election is over and done with. But you left the best part out, the part we are all screaming...I wanna be sedated! I think after this two year trip with all of this mess we all need a little sedation right about now!! LOL Maybe that'll help us get through the next few days or however long it takes to see who the winner is. UMM..or maybe even the next few years...LOL
The election is almost over. As I look back over this election year I reminiscence over the magic moments. I got to meet and chat with Bill Clinton on the campaign trail. What a treat that was until he slapped my butt! (Just kidding about that). President Clinton is amazing and it was a great thrill to visit with him.
The first time Anderson quoted me from the blog was about two years ago. I said something silly (imagine that) like ,"What is John McCain smoking?, I don't want any!" It is true! I will take a toke on what Obama has smoked any day~yeah. Good stuff~
Being blue in a red state has caused me some grief. I am really going to miss those republican punks visiting my yard signs. But I am sure they will go on to bigger fish to fry. Deer season is opening here.
Maybe they will invite Dick Cheeny to hunt with them. Do you think even the republicans trust Dick enough to do that? I doubt it!
Or, Maybe Sarah Palin will take the FORMER VP up in a helicopter for a little blood shed "fun"!
Oh those republicans! They should be in charge of entertainment, not government!
Well, I'll be watching those election results with a drink in hand. No matter what happens, I am celebrating the end of the "Bush" era.
Too funny!!! You deserve the stellar customer service btw (IMHO only). What the hell are you going to do in the fire exit anyway??? Start a fire or do some more shopping???
Jack: I still think you should be writing copy for DL's new show. Larry doing the electric slide would have been more funny. Five minutes of that show is truly painful. What was CNN thinking?