October 24th, 2008
11:49 AM ET

What the #%$& is the delay? I’m late to meet Roger Clinton!

[cnn-photo-caption image= http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2008/images/10/24/art.sammy.jpg caption="Sammy Gray, inebriated tour guide"]
Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

Ah, democracy springs eternal. We’re already seeing it with early voting, for which Americans are turning out in record numbers. I walked by a long line the other day in midtown Manhattan and thought I might as well try to get a fresh story for AC360. But I got some strange looks from people – a few even ran away – when I asked if they wanted to appear on CNN to discuss what they were going to do when they got inside the booth. It turns out it was a line to get into a peep show.

I was finishing up a shopping trip to Saks Fifth Avenue today with Sarah Palin, about to go meet Joe Biden for his botox consultation, when it hit me. No, I didn’t forget to polish Anderson’s Emmys. Trust me, one does not make that mistake twice. What hit me is that Halloween is just a week away and I still haven’t decided on my costume. I’ve narrowed it down to either Tony Danza or Utah Senator Orrin Hatch.

Meanwhile, the tension continues to increase on the campaign trail. And now, the Republicans are pulling out the big guns: Elisabeth Hasselbeck will be campaigning with Sarah Palin this weekend in Florida. If that doesn’t silence the critics who say Palin isn’t ready to be Commander-in-Chief, I don’t know what will.

I actually have nothing against Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I think Americans should weigh her political views just as heavily as they do those of any former Survivor contestant.

Then there’s John McCain’s brother. He called 911 – no joke – to complain about having to sit in traffic. And he swore at the 911 operator. And then he called back to complain about being rebuked. Way to dispel the perception that John McCain is the choice of crazy old people everywhere.

And then there’s the Obama campaign, which is reportedly holding another big money fundraiser in Silicon Valley this weekend. Because, you know, $605 million isn’t enough.

Maybe the Obama camp could spare some cash to buy John McCain’s brother some “Murder, She Wrote” DVDs so he’ll stay home and stop calling 911.

And, of course, it’s shaping up to be another bad day on Wall Street. Maybe it’s another stock market crash. Or maybe investors just need some extra money for peep shows.

Either way, you can’t argue the economic crisis isn’t hitting home. At least I can’t. My dog Sammy had to get a job to help me pay the bills. She’s a tour guide on one of those double-decker sightseeing buses. At least she was until she got caught drinking Pinot Grigio out of a paper bag.

And now if you’ll excuse me. There’s a squirrel on my windowsill who is giving me the evil eye. I’m going to call 911.

Filed under: 360° Radar • Barack Obama • Jack Gray • Joe Biden • John McCain • Raw Politics • Sarah Palin
soundoff (40 Responses)
  1. Megan Dresslar (Shoreline, Wa)

    Hellooo Jack!!!
    You are so funny man!!!!! LOL!!!!! Thanks for cheer me up and laughing..... I love your joke!!!! And guess what???? I agree with all bloggers!!!!! Please more blog jokes for viewers and me? I am hoping you will take care joke. I also like your black dog Sam!
    Thanks for joking me so much!!!!! LOL!!! 🙂 See you this week!!!!

    October 26, 2008 at 3:54 am |
  2. Alex

    Funny..and absolutely a very adorable dog. I hope you don't use him for "lady, can i get your number sessions"...

    October 25, 2008 at 4:08 pm |
  3. Heather,ca

    I thought Kathy would like have a Emmy polishing contest with you. Your dog Sammy is so cute! I mention the word job to my doglike cat Ariel and he looks at me like I have insulted him and turns around and leaves the room. I asked him if he wouldnt mind standing on the corner with a sign that says will paw for treats. So far not happening. I can tell you from personal experience Neiman Marcus is not cheap. I used to go shopping at their outlet in Vegas which is as reasonable as you can get to affordable. The thing that stands out to me is her latest defense of the outfits didnt cost as much as they have been reported and that only a few have been worn from what is on the plane. For some reason I cant imagine someone who felt the need to go shopping on the party credit card even bothered to check the price of what any outfit was at Neimans. If you have the money to shop there, you are not looking at cost. You are looking at how you look in the outfit in the mirror at Neimans.

    Sometimes I think animals make more sense than politicians. Cats and dogs dont lie. They dont make promises. They just want what they want when they want it.That of course includes our undivided attention. Your dog Sammy is so cute and adorable.

    Love your post! Love your dog! Thanks for brining some sunshine and laughter.

    October 24, 2008 at 6:13 pm |
  4. Taylor, AZ

    "A wacka wacka wacka."

    October 24, 2008 at 6:11 pm |
  5. Dee from CT

    Jack – naturally, another amusing entry, keep it up and I’ll soon run out of adjectives to praise your blog. Do you run the blog entries by Sammy and get her approval before posting? One lick of Pinot you’re good, ten you better re-write?

    The McCain brother thing is just too priceless ... I think the voice mail is what gets me even more, he can't answer the phone because he's involved with a "... very important family political project ...". I’m expecting that this is just a stupid, humorless, joke, but dubious that it isn’t, I’m not sure which option is worse …

    October 24, 2008 at 6:11 pm |
  6. Scott Hornsby

    Jackson! On my gunboat in Korea, we had a second skipper who was in charge of communications. A real wise guy. He'd come over the deck horn and announce all the ball game scores and we'd shoot the fins off of these big Pacific crane fish for sport and sometimes cigarettes. He kept a journal and i got it after he was bitten and killed by a rattlesnake on shore leave. I swear, if I didn't know he were long gone I'd bet my bottom dollar...well, you know what I'm saying kid. Keep up the good work.

    October 24, 2008 at 5:46 pm |
  7. Monika

    Wow! The things that go on in your head, Jack! Maybe CNN will give you your own little segment, like Jeanne Moss? That would be something! Poor Anderson might end up all lonely and deserted when all of his fans swarm over to you.

    BTW, how did your cute doggie get inebriated? Did she steal some of your breakfast? And what exactly did you have for breakfast anyway?

    Thanks for the laughs, Jack! If you look anything like your dog, you have nothing to worry about.

    Have a great weekend! Do you have any plans this time? Are you going to find another long line to stand in? Let us know!

    October 24, 2008 at 5:03 pm |
  8. Sarah, Indiana

    You are a welcome source for comic relief during this never-ending process!!! I have already voted and am dying for this to be over. Love th pic of your dog. I am a View fan but I am so sick of Elizabeth I hope she stays out on the campaign trail for a while!! Obama '08

    October 24, 2008 at 5:03 pm |
  9. Kristien,Antwerp, Belgium

    Hey Jack,

    thanks for another funny post.
    I think that for Halloween, you should dress up as Tony Danza, but who will Sammy go as? Mona? (a red wig should do)
    Sammy is a very cute dog, but they do say that dogs look like their owners (or the other way around, same difference) so that's no surprise :D.

    Can't wait to see you on the Webcast (you are getting it posted, right?)

    October 24, 2008 at 4:36 pm |
  10. Jolene, St. Joseph, MI

    Jack: Are there really long lines to see a Peep Show in NYC? Now you got me intrigued. May I suggest that next time you should borrow Neil Hallsworth's shirt button "cam" and do some investigative reporting while standing in the line, you know, before you get to the booth. You never know, just might get lucky 😉 and also uncover a story.....

    BTW, Sammy is adorable. Thanks for the laugh today!

    October 24, 2008 at 4:02 pm |
  11. Terri from Atlanta

    Sammy the tour guide dog for President!

    October 24, 2008 at 3:32 pm |
  12. Kent Fitzsimmons,Kewanee, IL

    Elizabeth Hasselbeck............wow ,as if their rallies don't have enough right wing crazies. You know, I really like The View. But, one thing is apparent. All the women, except Elezabeth, have made something of themselves outside of the show. They've been in movies, sitcoms, are stand-up comics etc. Barbara.....well, she's Barbara, a legend.

    But, Elizabeth is nothing without The View. And, she sure doesn't belong on a campaign stage. Lol.........Elizabeth your ego is showing.

    Oh, and Obama DOES have my vote........already voted.

    October 24, 2008 at 3:18 pm |
  13. Betty, Virginia

    Well, which party were the majority in the Peep Show Line leaning towards??? Geez, you missed the real story LOL!

    October 24, 2008 at 2:54 pm |
  14. EJ (USA)

    So 'Sammy' is really short for 'Samantha?'

    October 24, 2008 at 2:25 pm |
  15. Suzy

    I love reading your columns. Keep up the great – and entertaining – work! 🙂

    October 24, 2008 at 2:23 pm |
  16. EJ (USA)

    Completely hilarious!

    That's a nice picture of your dog, Jack, but I must admit I am more in love with the flooring in your apartment. Very nice!!

    October 24, 2008 at 2:21 pm |
  17. Roweena D'Souza, Seattle

    Hey, thanks for the laughs on a friday morning. I agree with Renee's suggestion, please add yourself to the contributors list so that it is easy to read all your posts.

    I've pictured you in my mind ( a cool dude for sure), will let you know if I was right after you make your appearance on the AC360 webcast, I hope it will have all the frills included :- ) are you excited coming out? I sure am.

    Have a fun weekend Jack, we are heading out to check out the fall foliage in the almost winter conditions... lets see how that works!

    October 24, 2008 at 2:06 pm |
  18. Lori - IL

    Hey, Jack.

    I agree – you need to get on the contributor's list. I find myself checking this blog, just to see if you've posted. I love your sense of humor. Thanks for the laughs.

    Looking forward to you "appearance" next week. Please make sure the Webcast gets put on the 360 website. I think you should dance - just to show Anderson, or maybe sing and dance since he claims he can't do either!

    Thanks again for sharing your great sense of humor.

    October 24, 2008 at 1:55 pm |
  19. Daniellle

    LMAO 🙂 thank you. Sammy is too cute, what a sweet face. Have a great weekend Jack.

    October 24, 2008 at 1:47 pm |
  20. Lissa

    This is brilliant – thanks for the laughs!

    October 24, 2008 at 1:29 pm |
  21. Johnny in SC

    By the way Jack you need to call " Joe the $250,000 a year squirrel hunter ". Leave the squirrel catching to the professionals. I'm sure McCain can find you a squirrel hunter to use in his next ad.

    October 24, 2008 at 1:27 pm |
  22. Johnny in SC

    Very funny... As bad as things are now we need a good laugh. I hope that SNL has Palin back on soon. I wonder does she know what the stock market is.

    Anyway ...great blog to you and Betty Ann

    October 24, 2008 at 1:21 pm |
  23. Joanne, Syracuse, NY

    Thanks Jack! Just in time! I was starting to fume at how the political and economic intensity has negatively impacted me personally...you have a great sense of humor!

    October 24, 2008 at 1:15 pm |
  24. pati mc., camp hill, pa

    Hey! Hey! Jumpin' Jack Flash is in the house!

    Sammy is so cute. He doesn't look drunk! Must be a pro. Let me guess, you taught him everything he knows, right? What a good Daddy you are. Looks like a Guinness man to me.

    Ha ha ha, line for the peep show. Oops! Good one! Wait a sec, I thought that Guiliani cleaned all of that up? Hmmm........contorversy...I smell a controversy. There you go Jack, go all 60 Minutes on them!! Anderson can show you how. AFTER you polish his Emmy's of course. Heh heh.

    Halloween, huh? Well the funniest thing that I have done to date was Army fatigues. I wore the top and my guy wore the bottoms and we went as an "Upper" and "Lower" GI.

    October 24, 2008 at 1:07 pm |
  25. mshamburge

    Squirrels are tricky, dangerous creatures. And they eat nuts. While waving their bushy tails.

    This is serious. Instead of calling 911, you should really think about calling the FBI directly to handle it. Don't they have a special squirrel unit to handle these crises?

    October 24, 2008 at 1:07 pm |
  26. Annie Kate

    Hey Jack!

    Great post a, usual – very funny. But the picture of Sammy – I fell in love with Sammy at first sight. He is a beautiful dog. If you really want Sammy to earn money for you teach him how to fetch other people's belongings. My brother when he was around 10 did this scam on our neighbors. He would send our basset hound Seymour out to find a treasure and invariably Seymour would come wandering back after stopping to dine at each house along the way (in both directions) and give my brother a shoe, or some laundry, etc. for my brother to sell back to its original owner. He did a good business until he got all full of himself and my sister ratted him out.

    Seymour's days of retrieving were not done though – he fetched my youngest brother when said brother was still a baby. He had crawled to close to the steps and Seymour grabbed him by the diaper and pulled him into the room where my mother was; sat on him and woofed at my mother until she picked the baby up. We gave Seymour a baloney award which he promptly ate, told him how great he was (not news to him). During the whole time Seymour stayed on alert being sure he knew where each of his people were. So Sammy will find something else or he could just troll the neighborhood looking for misplaced dog food. At least he would eat that way.

    For Halloween I think you should dress up and get a mask and go as Anderson – you might just get a bag of rocks instead of treats but I bet some nice ladies would see to it that you got something good.

    Stay funny and I'm still waiting to see your picture; that ought to be good!

    Annie Kate
    Birmingham AL

    October 24, 2008 at 1:06 pm |
  27. lee

    Just sittin' here waiting for your television debut, Jack. Do you have a new outfit for the occassion? Will Anderson be asking you the hard questions?

    October 24, 2008 at 1:04 pm |
  28. Michelle

    Can we sign a petition on the 360 blog for Jack
    to do this segment each night.

    October 24, 2008 at 1:04 pm |
  29. Marcy

    Don’t mess with that squirrel let the professionals handle it. Chip and Dale they are not, oh wait they were chipmunks...um....see we have no lovable cartoon squirrels what does that tell you!?

    PS–The Peep show segment on 360° would have been AWESOME! I will lay awake tonight thinking about that Panel discussion.

    Mobile, AL

    October 24, 2008 at 12:43 pm |
  30. Presley

    OMG, ROTFL....
    Palin and Hasselbeck, the Republican Ticket for 2012.
    FOX News is already printing up buttons and bumper stickers and Bay Buchanan has first dibs as Campaign Manager.
    Watch out Hillary, you better get a lock on Lauren Conrad ASAP.
    Oops, was that too elitistee? Intellectualesque? Liberalish?
    I'm putting my cats to work, they are excellent computer screen blockers, knick knack knocker overs, newspaper wrinklers and alarm clocks, set at 4 am permanently.
    btw, have you tagged this blog enough? When is Jack Gray getting his own tag link in the "Contributors" column? Toobin has one.

    XXO Jack! Have a lovely weekend. ♥
    (to Anderson "ROTFL" = right on the floor laughing & btw = by the way ♥)

    October 24, 2008 at 12:41 pm |
  31. Jennifer - Michigan

    Hi Jack, Glad to see your post! Lots of laughs – you are so funny! Your Sammy is soooo cute!
    I used to have a boy Sammy many years ago (a male Sheltie) – he was the best dog ever!! He was so very beautiful and intelligent. I'll always have fond memories of him. Everytime I would take him for a walk, people would stop me just to check him out. He was something!
    Anyway, thanks for the great post! It was nice to see your name pop up when I checked in. Hope you have a great weekend – enjoy the fall colors. See ya.

    October 24, 2008 at 12:36 pm |
  32. Rich B - Knoxville

    Great - Keep up the great articles - I LOVE your sense of humor - Maybe 'cause it's a lot like mine - You Betcha

    October 24, 2008 at 12:30 pm |
  33. MPalalay (California)

    ha! ha! HA! Thanks for the morning lift!

    October 24, 2008 at 12:30 pm |
  34. Renee

    You are a creative soul. Somehow I have you pegged in my mind as a hip cool 25 to 30 year old, IPOD in ears, messenger pouch in tow, jeans and a Yankees cap. Let's see if I am right!

    I was wondering if you can do me just a small favor, can you get your name be added to the "contributors" on the home page of the blog? You know alphabetical order and right between Cooper and Hill. This way I can go right to your post when I need a dose of laughs, a ray of sunshine or some lunchtime points to ponder.

    Keep the laughs coming!

    October 24, 2008 at 12:26 pm |
  35. Betty Ann, Nacogdoches,TX

    P.S. Your dog has good taste drinking Pinot Grigio our of a bag but consider yourself lucky. Mine beg for French Champange in a crystal dog flute! I know, I know, you have to be really clever to find one of those!

    October 24, 2008 at 12:23 pm |
  36. Cindy

    Are you sure you weren't in that peep show line for just more than getting some interviews! Come on Jack...fess up! LOL

    And PLEASE remember to polish those Emmy's in a circular motion to ensure just the right amount of shine so Cooper can use it as a mirror to check out his do.

    And shame on you for making poor Sammy get a job!! You should hit Coop up for a raise then she can drink all of the Pinot Grigio that she wants. You know it's a dogs life! LOL


    October 24, 2008 at 12:16 pm |
  37. Betty Ann, Nacogdoches,TX

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Hahehehe, Oh, Jack I do hope you will forgive me but I think I'm in love! You are so damn hilarious!
    I really was hoping to get on the contribution list of Sarah Palin's shopping spree. Yew-Haw I believe we are the same size! I absolutely adore 10k dresses.
    Yes, Sarah is dinggy and McCain is not so much mavericky but more geezerish. Their campaign sign should read Geezer/Dingbat.
    Last night close to midnight, I walked out on my front porch to check a trap I had out in an attempt to catch a feral Tomcat. I didn't catch the cat but i DID catch three punks in my yard trying to steal my three Obama signs!
    I chased them like I had a brain and could whip their butt. Actually I almost caught them before they whirled away in their republican 50k white pick-up. Gotta love those rednecks for the adrenal rush.
    I would have called 911 but I was to busy trying to run them down.
    All this just in time for Halloween! SCARY~
    Speaking of, I will dress up as Marilyn Monroe and my boyfriend will be Obama. He's not the right color so he will wear a mask.
    I can't wait to sing, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. PRESIDENT!"
    Don't feel inhumane making your pets work in these hard times.
    I have a menagerie and I can assure you that each and everyone is required to work.
    My smartest dog is working at Republican Headquarters "speaking" and teaching why stealing opponents signs is anti-American.
    Hopefully he can make a difference!
    Thanks for the hehe!
    P.S. Don't stop blogging!

    October 24, 2008 at 12:10 pm |
  38. Lilibeth

    Jack Gray for President!

    October 24, 2008 at 12:04 pm |

    Hello Jack:

    as always,it is great to see your posts.....

    when can we see you on 360?

    Oh,wait,Anderson said he DID NOT know you,didn't he?LOL

    Are they making Anderson Cooper Halloween masks this year,you should go as HIM if they are.....

    I did not realize things were so tough for you,Jack,your poor dog!

    Oh,and as for Miss Survivor Mouth going on the campaign trail?

    Good Lord,that is too stupid to even think about or talk about......

    Oh,and get out that Emmy polish(or whatever one uses)!

    October 24, 2008 at 12:03 pm |
  40. Vickie

    LOL! 🙂 You are too funny Jack!

    October 24, 2008 at 11:56 am |