[cnn-photo-caption image=http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2008/images/09/30/art.money.jpg]Jack Gray
AC360° Associate Producer
I knew the day would come. I’ve finally been distracted from my campaign against fanny pack-wearing Whole Foods customers who pick fights with the deli counter staff. "I said THINLY sliced. Does that look THINLY sliced to you?!"
As you may have heard, the country is in the grips of a financial crisis. We are being told, of course, not to panic. I don’t know about you, but when a politician tells me not to panic, that’s when I start to panic.
It’s like the time I was on the subway and a guy got on – dressed in short-shorts, with a mullet down to his thighs and calling himself Earth Angel – and announced there was nothing to be alarmed about. I immediately became alarmed.
The trauma of checking my 401k balance has left me nostalgic for simpler times. I lie awake at night longing for the days when Nancy Pelosi’s biggest concern was winning a Mona from “Who’s the Boss?” look-alike contest and John Boehner’s biggest embarrassment was the fits of laughter that erupted whenever someone mispronounced his last name. Indeed, it was a golden age.
I walked by Bill Gates in the hall the other day. Even he looked nervous. But that might have just been because I lunged for his wallet.
The most upsetting part of this is that no one seems to be taking the bull by the proverbial horns. President Bush keeps talking but no one is paying him any attention. It’s kind of like when you visit your Nana and she keeps badgering you about how you don’t stop by often enough. There’s a lot of head nodding and false promises but ultimately you’re just waiting for Wheel of Fortune to come on so you can sneak out of there.
Meantime, as my wallet thins and the folks in Washington do nothing, I find myself envious of the European tourists who stroll around Greenwich Village, flaunting their piles of Euros, wiping gelato from their lips with hundred-dollar U.S. bills and taking pictures of apartment buildings that may or may not have once been occupied by Bob Dylan.
Good for them. Ignorance is bliss. Just be sure to leave the fanny packs at home.
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