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July 1st, 2008
04:17 PM ET

Dear Candidates: See you in ‘Hell’ (Michigan)

David M. Reisner
AC360° Digital Producer

The candidates have been tackling election issues Americans care about… But there’s something else the candidates appear to care about: Location, location, location.

Seems the candidates are ‘taking issue’ with town names, and the issues they bring up…

Last week Democratic candidate Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton traveled to Unity, New Hampshire to show a sign of … well… Unity. And Monday Sen. Obama stressed patriotism on his visit to Independence, Missouri

Coincidences? Not a chance… So that got me thinking – I should put together a week-long itinerary for the candidates … to locations around the United States that would put their issues right on the map.

Let’s begin, shall we?

DAY 1: Getting the ‘Photo –Op’
First, you MUST start the day off in Hot Coffee, Mississippi followed by a quick trip to Hasty, Colorado, maybe give a short speech in Shorter, Alabama, before a stop in Do Stop, Kentucky. Of course have lunch in Sandwich, Illinois. Then off to smile for the cameras in Hygiene, Colorado. Finish the day with Cookietown, Oklahoma before heading off to Sleepy Eye, Minnesota.

DAY 2: Improving your Image
Head out to Normal, Illinois, Ordinary, Virginia and Plain City, Utah to show voters you are an ‘everyday American’… Next, give a rousing speech in Boring, Maryland and let the public know you’ll champion their causes while in Good Intent, New Jersey… Since you can’t be everywhere at once, might be best to send a surrogate to campaign for you in Decoy, Kentucky. (I would say they should head out to Enigma, Georgia… but who knows how to get there…)

DAY 3: Tackling the issues
Head out across the country to talk about issues directly affecting voters.

DAY 4: Showing voters your vision:
– What better place to talk about ‘your vision for America’ than Ideal, Georgia? Lay your promise for a better tomorrow in Inspiration, Arizona. (Some may say ‘Why, Arizona’? I say, ‘Whynot, North Carolina?’)

– Sen. Barack Obama can tell the crowd ‘yes we can’ in Cando, North Dakota – but might want to skip Bushland, Texas

– Sen. John McCain can talk about his knowledge of politics in Rough and Ready, California – but might want to avoid talking about his years of service in Dinosaur, Colorado.

– Nothing shows vision more than the people you chose to bring to Washington... So may I suggest you announce your Vice Presidential running mate and the whole Presidential cabinet in Alliance, California.

DAY 5: Country-wide blitz
Crisscrossing the country is hard… and expensive – might I suggest these 2-for-1 trips:

8a         New York, Kentucky
10a       Kentucky, Michigan
12:30p Michigan, Vermont
2p         Vermont, Indiana
4:30p    Indiana, Pennsylvania
6p         Pennsylvania, Alabama
9p         Alabama, New York

DAY 6: Challenge your opponent
It’s a common practice on the campaign trail, showcase your top qualities and point out your candidates flaws. You can level with the American people with your ‘line-in-the-sand issues’ in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico… why not point out an issue your competition ‘flip-flopped’ on in Paradox, Colorado. Settle things once and for all with a debate in Competition, Missouri… Where success could be decided right down the road in… well… Success, Missouri.

DAY 7: Go for the independent vote
This election it’s all about the ‘undecided vote.’ Meet independent voters in Uncertain, Texas and promise reform on issues close to their heart in Relief, California. Last but not least, I suggest you glad-hand, go door-to-door, and kiss babies before it comes time to vote in Last Chance, California.

---------–

So candidates, good luck with this 7-day strategy – it’s a lot of places to cover – but it’s sure worth it… For on November 5th only one can head to Celebration, Florida… Maybe even Yeehaw Junction, Florida if they want to gloat about it…

…Oh, and the other? He should head out to Disappointment, Kentucky… followed by a long stay in Solitude, Indiana.


Filed under: David M. Reisner • Raw Politics • TV
soundoff (78 Responses)
  1. Jean

    THIS IS OUR NEWS MEDIA???

    SPEAKS VOLUMES!!!!!!!!

    July 1, 2008 at 10:30 pm |
  2. Irene in Texas

    GREAT JOB!!!

    July 1, 2008 at 10:30 pm |
  3. Cher

    What about Welfare, TX.

    July 1, 2008 at 10:28 pm |
  4. Shea, North Carolina

    David, that was great!!! Nice job

    July 1, 2008 at 10:21 pm |
  5. Victor in Saanich, B.C. Canada

    Point Roberts, Washington!!
    Unless they came in by boat, and being politicos, that would not surprise me, they would have to cross the northern border and then cross at the Pt. Roberts border crossing!! The return trip – the same way!! Do it by car and it could take JUST A FEW HOURS!!

    July 1, 2008 at 10:05 pm |
  6. Lorie Ann, Buellton, California

    There's always Harmony,Calif, but I guess it would be best if those in politics avoided Death Valley.. Good post.

    Lorie Ann, Buellton, Calif.

    July 1, 2008 at 9:59 pm |
  7. S Callahan

    This was great, a bright side to the craziness of this year! Brillant!
    Other funnies are some of the comments..enjoyed it all! Thanks

    July 1, 2008 at 9:53 pm |
  8. Kent Fitzsimmons,Kewanee, IL

    Just the story to get the GOP fools smiling. It really must be a no news day. I can't even read the entire story it is so boring.

    July 1, 2008 at 9:50 pm |
  9. Sharon Ohio

    LOL

    would be funny if Obama used that list

    July 1, 2008 at 9:50 pm |
  10. Susan, Michigan

    Fantastic post! This was a lot of fun to read, as well as a bit educational. Truly enjoyed it. We need more of these from time to time. I am going to be curious if either candidate goes to any of these places, or other towns with interesting names with a subliminal message....LOL.

    July 1, 2008 at 9:41 pm |
  11. Ms N

    David M. Reisner;

    No that you know it all, and made up such an extraordinary week-long itinerary. Why are you not running for president?

    You are such a piece of work with a lot of under-current

    Everyone wants to tell the candidates what to do. Why do people with such gusto and intelligens such as your self do something usefulu with that God given talent. Wear a sign that says VOTE FOR ME

    July 1, 2008 at 9:27 pm |
  12. jenn

    They could both start in the center of Florida on 27. The winner can head east to Yeehaw Junction and the other west to Fort Lonesome. Either direction is 1 hour away and both places serve ice cream!

    July 1, 2008 at 9:26 pm |
  13. Sifa

    Very, very funny! I needed a laughter, this did it. Thanks, David.

    July 1, 2008 at 9:25 pm |
  14. Annie Kate

    David

    That was great – how clever. How long did it take you to find all those names? I think my favorite one though was the one you said McCain ought to avoid – Dinosaur, Colorado. I feel like that some days.

    Annie Kate
    Birmingham AL

    July 1, 2008 at 9:03 pm |
  15. Daniel

    Candidates lacking (or being perceived as lacking) foreign policy experience could easily visit a number of foreign countries or major cities in a one or two-day trip to Maine: Often within less than an hour from the Maine Turnpike (I-95), they could be in (in random order) Edinburg, China (and even more specifically South China), Rome, Peru, Vienna, Sidney, Belgrade, Palermo, Leeds, Dresden, Hebron, Paris, Oxford, Poland, Newcastle, Bremen, Bristol, Lisbon, Naples, Sweden, Denmark, Limerick, or Lebanon. A short trip across the border into neighboring New Hampshire, candidates could even meet and greet with the people of Berlin and Milan before the day is out...

    July 1, 2008 at 8:53 pm |
  16. Jolene

    This was amusing and yet so true! Thanks for putting this together, I enjoyed it! And don't knock going to Hell (Michigan). It's a fun place to visit.... 😉

    Jolene, St. Joseph, MI

    July 1, 2008 at 8:47 pm |
  17. Sashomshi

    David,

    That was great! I'm from Vero Beach, Florida and I did a double take when I saw Yeehaw Junction mentioned. It's the connecting junction from Vero to western parts of Florida.
    Don't forget after the election, they can spend the holidays in Christmas, Florida via Yeehaw Junction.
    Great job!!!

    July 1, 2008 at 8:37 pm |
  18. Lilibeth

    Well, David, you've outdone yourself with this post! I suppose if Hillary Clinton were still running, she'd be looking for a remedy for her campaign troubles in Panacea, FL.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Lilibeth
    Edmonds, Washington

    July 1, 2008 at 8:28 pm |
  19. Alison

    Great post! Perhaps after Enigma, Georgia they could head to Sublimity, Oregon!!

    July 1, 2008 at 8:04 pm |
  20. Melissa

    Another place for both to avoid: Cut-N-Shoot, Texas

    July 1, 2008 at 8:03 pm |
  21. Tom in New Hope, MN

    Excellent article.

    If the candidates want to talk about new hope for our country, they need to make a stop in New Hope, Minnesota.

    July 1, 2008 at 7:56 pm |
  22. brent

    Don't forget Two Egg, Florida

    July 1, 2008 at 7:55 pm |
  23. Fred

    JK; Moscow isn 't in Europe

    July 1, 2008 at 7:54 pm |
  24. Chris

    And on day 5, don't forget to visit Florida, Massachusetts too!

    July 1, 2008 at 7:52 pm |
  25. frank thomas

    We have a Tranquility California, as well as a Firebaugh, A Malaga for all you wine lovers, a LODI FOR YOU TO GET STUCK IN, and a Fresno ,Spanish for White Ash Tree.All in the San joaquin Valley named after the bandit Joaquin Murrieta.

    July 1, 2008 at 7:44 pm |
  26. Samantha in Seattle, WA

    That was fantastic; i hope you forward it to both the candidates.

    July 1, 2008 at 7:41 pm |
  27. Kyle in FL

    Yeehaw Junction, not very big place

    July 1, 2008 at 7:31 pm |
  28. Boring

    Slow news day? Here's a topic "Iran, Iraq, Israel"

    July 1, 2008 at 7:26 pm |
  29. Jennifer

    I am shocked another person actually knew where Yeehaw Junction, Fl actually is!

    Jennifer
    Atlanta, GA

    July 1, 2008 at 7:23 pm |
  30. FATillery

    Just don't let them stop for refreshments at Cut 'n Shoot, Texas!

    Frank Tillery
    One of U.S.

    July 1, 2008 at 7:18 pm |
  31. Ezer Ratchaga

    Hahahahahaha...

    This is hilarious! I had to laugh out loud at the 2-for-1 trips!

    Indeed a refreshing blog! Keep up the good job, Anderson Cooper!

    July 1, 2008 at 7:12 pm |
  32. Mike

    I lives near Yehaw Junction and it ain't funny.

    July 1, 2008 at 7:05 pm |
  33. Chris

    Drive those campaign buses on down Route 2 "The Mohawk Trail" and enjoy some time in chad-free Florida, Massachusetts.

    July 1, 2008 at 6:56 pm |
  34. Loran

    This was great! David tell the candidates if it keeps raining in the plains they are always welcome at my hometown of Waterproof, LA

    July 1, 2008 at 6:49 pm |
  35. Faisal Qadri

    Thats really interesting to know all these cities are really in US. I m sure its a good general knowledge in just one page.
    Thanks

    July 1, 2008 at 6:37 pm |
  36. Kay LaFleur

    Perhaps the candidates could see how many times they could visit cities named Farmington in one day. Hop from Farminton, Connecticut on to other Farmingtons, including those in NY, NH, Maine, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Missouri, New Mexico, Utah, Iowa, Illinois and California. When they get tired and confused they won't need to ask anyone "What city am I in?" And that, of course, would be a plus...

    Kay

    July 1, 2008 at 6:35 pm |
  37. Steve

    David,
    That is hilarious! Excellent job.

    On day 5, you forgot Wyoming, Minnesota.

    July 1, 2008 at 6:28 pm |
  38. Sarah

    David,

    That's why they pay you the big bucks!!

    Good Job

    Sarah
    Calhoun, TN

    July 1, 2008 at 6:26 pm |
  39. Hannah Storm

    Awesome post David......some interesting places in the good ol USA

    July 1, 2008 at 6:25 pm |
  40. Lemont

    The best fun loving talk on the campain trail hats off to you Davre

    July 1, 2008 at 6:10 pm |
  41. David Snyder

    Its practical. If the candidates want to reach the crowds with what they are interested in, then this must happen. Of course, it can get extremely predictable and less than interesting for the rest of us.

    July 1, 2008 at 6:01 pm |
  42. JK Red

    You forgot about a speech on European relations in Moscow, Idaho.

    July 1, 2008 at 5:55 pm |
  43. AHerbert; San Diego, CA

    I am still LOL thank you... this is one of the best posting I have seen in a while.... Obama 08

    July 1, 2008 at 5:55 pm |
  44. pati mc., camp hill, pa

    Dear David,

    My word, you must be exhausted! A little too much time on our hands, have we? LOL. This was hilarious and if I may make a suggestion.....please convince Anderson to read this on the air!

    Uh oh! He is gonna KILL me!

    Ha ha ha! I would love to see him try it! Come on Anderson! We all know that you love a challenge!

    Thanks for the laugh. Did Tom Foreman assist you with this? It has him wirtten all over it. Ha ha ha ha! You guys rock!

    July 1, 2008 at 5:54 pm |
  45. Ben

    Hey! Who is going to speak in Crook, Colorado?

    July 1, 2008 at 5:54 pm |
  46. Jim, Bishop, Calif

    Maybe the candidates should meet in Hell Michigan-
    Since the rest of the country is going to hell in a handbasket,
    Actually they need to meet there when its frozen over.

    July 1, 2008 at 5:03 pm |
  47. Susan

    David:

    Good job! That was very clever. If any of the candidates show up in any of these towns, you should get the idea credit.

    Susan
    Phoenixville,PA

    July 1, 2008 at 4:57 pm |
  48. Stacy

    Well, somebody had some free time on their hands. You have succeeded in amusing me.

    July 1, 2008 at 4:50 pm |
  49. Adrienne - The Netherlands

    Well done David!

    You deserve a break in Tranquility, New Jersey!

    July 1, 2008 at 4:47 pm |
  50. Cindy

    David,
    You are too good!! What a GREAT post! Now how long did it take you to find all of these towns and write this funny post!? Man...you need to do this WAY more often! LOL

    Now if the candidates would just follow your itinerary we'd really have some fun! LOL Wonder if they could even find these places? I mean I live in Georgia and have never even heard of Enigma myself! LOL Good luck to them is all I'll say! LOL

    Cindy...Ga.

    July 1, 2008 at 4:29 pm |
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