Dear Candidates: See you in ‘Hell’ (Michigan)
David M. Reisner
AC360° Digital Producer
The candidates have been tackling election issues Americans care about… But there’s something else the candidates appear to care about: Location, location, location.
Seems the candidates are ‘taking issue’ with town names, and the issues they bring up…
Last week Democratic candidate Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton traveled to Unity, New Hampshire to show a sign of … well… Unity. And Monday Sen. Obama stressed patriotism on his visit to Independence, Missouri…
Coincidences? Not a chance… So that got me thinking – I should put together a week-long itinerary for the candidates … to locations around the United States that would put their issues right on the map.
Let’s begin, shall we?
DAY 1: Getting the ‘Photo –Op’
First, you MUST start the day off in Hot Coffee, Mississippi followed by a quick trip to Hasty, Colorado, maybe give a short speech in Shorter, Alabama, before a stop in Do Stop, Kentucky. Of course have lunch in Sandwich, Illinois. Then off to smile for the cameras in Hygiene, Colorado. Finish the day with Cookietown, Oklahoma before heading off to Sleepy Eye, Minnesota.
DAY 2: Improving your Image
Head out to Normal, Illinois, Ordinary, Virginia and Plain City, Utah to show voters you are an ‘everyday American’… Next, give a rousing speech in Boring, Maryland and let the public know you’ll champion their causes while in Good Intent, New Jersey… Since you can’t be everywhere at once, might be best to send a surrogate to campaign for you in Decoy, Kentucky. (I would say they should head out to Enigma, Georgia… but who knows how to get there…)
DAY 3: Tackling the issues
Head out across the country to talk about issues directly affecting voters.
- The pain at the pump is issue#1 so be sure to head to Gas, Kansas and give a speech on the soaring cost of oil… Outline your solutions for alternative fuel sources in Energy, Illinois while you’re at it…
- Speaking of the economy, why not talk unemployment in Job, Kentucky and job solutions in Opportunity, Montana.
- On the issue of Iraq, give a speech in Bagdad, Arizona. Talk ‘homeland security’ in Protection, Kansas and ‘defending the nation’ in Security, Colorado. Talk terrorism in War, West Virginia and the hopes for a stable Middle East in Peace, Alabama.
- Best to bring up the environment issue in Badwater, California, and save the talk on anti-drug laws in Weed, California .
- Last, if you want to talk about the importance of space exploration, why not fly to (the) Moon, Pennsylvania.
DAY 4: Showing voters your vision:
– What better place to talk about ‘your vision for America’ than Ideal, Georgia? Lay your promise for a better tomorrow in Inspiration, Arizona. (Some may say ‘Why, Arizona’? I say, ‘Whynot, North Carolina?’)
– Sen. Barack Obama can tell the crowd ‘yes we can’ in Cando, North Dakota – but might want to skip Bushland, Texas…
– Sen. John McCain can talk about his knowledge of politics in Rough and Ready, California – but might want to avoid talking about his years of service in Dinosaur, Colorado.
– Nothing shows vision more than the people you chose to bring to Washington... So may I suggest you announce your Vice Presidential running mate and the whole Presidential cabinet in Alliance, California.
DAY 5: Country-wide blitz
Crisscrossing the country is hard… and expensive – might I suggest these 2-for-1 trips:
8a New York, Kentucky
10a Kentucky, Michigan
12:30p Michigan, Vermont
2p Vermont, Indiana
4:30p Indiana, Pennsylvania
6p Pennsylvania, Alabama
9p Alabama, New York
DAY 6: Challenge your opponent
It’s a common practice on the campaign trail, showcase your top qualities and point out your candidates flaws. You can level with the American people with your ‘line-in-the-sand issues’ in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico… why not point out an issue your competition ‘flip-flopped’ on in Paradox, Colorado. Settle things once and for all with a debate in Competition, Missouri… Where success could be decided right down the road in… well… Success, Missouri.
DAY 7: Go for the independent vote
This election it’s all about the ‘undecided vote.’ Meet independent voters in Uncertain, Texas and promise reform on issues close to their heart in Relief, California. Last but not least, I suggest you glad-hand, go door-to-door, and kiss babies before it comes time to vote in Last Chance, California.
---------–
So candidates, good luck with this 7-day strategy – it’s a lot of places to cover – but it’s sure worth it… For on November 5th only one can head to Celebration, Florida… Maybe even Yeehaw Junction, Florida if they want to gloat about it…
…Oh, and the other? He should head out to Disappointment, Kentucky… followed by a long stay in Solitude, Indiana.
On Twitter
David, this is seriously hilarious and well-done. I can't wait to see more like this one.
Instead of Moon, PA, just down the road is Mars, PA. A much loftier goal of a stop, if you ask me.
I once had friends get in trouble trying to get back into America when they told Canadian border patrol they were from Mars...
The best post ever!!! We all need a laugh in a tough election year like this. LOL Keep it up.
The only stop Obama has managed to skip is Bull City, NV
Wonderful!!! Wow, wish 'politiks' like me could have this comic relief everyday, some of us take things too seriously. Greatest blog so far since this whole campaign started! Thanks for your help in helpin' us 'chill'!
This is political satire at its best.
THANKS!!!!!
The clever part of your expose' was the focus on America. These candidates and their selected running mates need to lighten up on 'the other guy/gal' and start getting serious about Americans.
Stop 'going after' votes and start laying out specific and accountable plans on how to put over 1.3 million families back in their homes, funding no child left behind or enacting a bill with money and teeth, and oh, yeah, if Israel (per RFK Jr. article yesterday) can go green in 3 yrs and no longer have dependancy on gasoline/oil...on the SAME DAY both our Congress and White House cancel tax benefits for solar/wind related energy technology...David please focus your next article on the humrous yet sad aspect of protecting the American public from the American elected officials in Washington.
Too bad Obama and Clinton couldn't get members of Congress (for which they are a part of one house) to join them in 'Unity, Missouri' the other day..now that would have been a great picture for the ages!
Maybe Hillary and Obama used a list like this to pick Unity, NH for their Unite for Change Comapign stop
You absolutely must morph this blog into an on-air piece on CNN. It has to be one of the most amusing and geographically enlightening blogs ever written!
Sometimes you just "gotta" lighten up. Thanks for the break in what has been an all too serious political day!
And for a real knock-down, drag-out debate, they could meet in Slapout, OK. And then there's always the place where I hope Obama's campaign ends up – Nowhere, OK.
Well Obama can give his fatherhood speech in Intercourse, WI... 🙂
OBAMA/POWELL 08
Coming from Rough and Ready myself, I can't take much more of this sugar
I like it!
I was still hoping Hell, Michigan would find it's way in there as the final destination. Of course, that might upset the candidates.
I think The Colbert Report just found a new writer!
Nice one:)
Fist Bump, USA
It's great to see a posting so different from all the others.
This was great for a laugh but the troubling thing is it really is quite true. The location isn't going to tie it up for either of them but maybe instead of so many place per day we could drop them in Badwater,CA for a few days with nothing but thier wits to keep them alive and see if they could live like the rest of us for a couple of days. Not to be mean or anything but they have lived with enough money to keep them safe from the perils of life we face daily long enough that they don't know what it is anymore.
Great post!!! Very clever.... I can't believe that some of these are REAL cities lol.
HILARIOUS. I wouldn't be surprised if either of the candidates took a cue from this, especially with how literal the meeting in Unity was lol.
how about having a talk about israel's situation and peace soltuions in Palestine, TX?
Errr Fred, Moscow IS in Europe ..... just not a member of the European Union.
what about hell town GA? hope thing change soon or that is going to be the name of the usa 🙁 I love this nation and it really hurts to see it go down but I beleave we the people will get usa back to the great nation we new.
You made my day.! One more thing. If the candidates want to talk about Darfur, they should do it in Sudan, TX.
Reminds me though, of a news headline read on Johnny Carson long ago that read" Fertile woman dies in Climax". Real newspaper headline in real towns in MN.........Fertile, MN, and Climax, MN.
Nice
Would have really been clever If Intercourse, WI was included in there somewhere. "the candidates made a Quick "Quicky" stop.............."
Yes, political commentators need to focus on irrelevant minutia such as this. This way we can avoid opining on any real issues. How proud you must be David, to walk in the footsteps of Murrow and Cronkite.