Director Francis Ford Coppola traveled to Cannes to unveil his new film Tetro.

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

You’ll excuse me if I get teary when someone mentions this year’s Cannes Film Festival. Even though my career as a Hollywood leading man is long over, I still yearn for those carefree days on the French Riviera, watching Gene Hackman exfoliate his knuckles while Sophia Loren hand-fed me Twizzlers.

It seems like a lifetime ago that I was part of that whole scene. I think my last trip to Cannes was when I was promoting the buddy western I had just made with Linda Evangelista, “Is That a Honda Accord in Your Garage or Are You Just Happy to See Me?”

It was a wonderful trip, aside from that one small incident on the red carpet. But, in hindsight, who among us hasn’t accidentally given Kathy Bates an open-mouth kiss?

As with the Oscars, we see coverage of Cannes on television, but it’s really not the same as being there. The glittering jewelry, the well-coiffed hair, the flowing ball gowns. And that’s just Steven Seagal.

And, of course, it goes without saying that one does not go to the festival merely for the film screenings. There’s plenty of fun-in-the-sun to be had on the beach and – if the mood should strike you – in the Applebee’s parking lot.

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Miss California USA Carrie Prejean may lose her crown, a decision to be made by pageant owner Donald Trump.

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

I don’t know much about beauty pageants. All I know is that if I were ever in one I would begin all my answers with “Well, Mario Lopez, as they say on General Hospital…” and end them with “…in conclusion, in no way am I in favor of world peace.”

My lack of knowledge notwithstanding, I am aware that today is a pivotal day in the controversy over Miss California USA, a woman by the name of Carrie Prejean. If you don’t know the story by now, well, consider yourself lucky and go back to watching your DVDs of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

The rest of you have probably heard that Donald Trump – employer of newly crowned Celebrity Apprentice winner Joan Rivers (and her face) and himself an inspiration to millions of college students majoring in Beauty Pageant Ownership – announced today that Miss Prejean will keep her title. As always, for in-depth analysis of scandals involving nude pictures and fake breasts, I refer you to my colleagues at PBS.

By the way, yes, I’ve heard the rumors that Miss Prejean was or is dating Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps. Mr. Phelps has reportedly denied those rumors, although if true they would explain my hunch that Miss Prejean’s position on same-sex marriage has changed: She now supports it, provided both parties are stoned.

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Jack's mom, Maria Papaioanou Gray.

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

Michelle Obama says her most important job is that of Mom-in-Chief. I can't imagine anyone would disagree with her. George Washington once said, "All I am I owe to my mother." The same is true for me. No one has had more of an impact on my life than my mother. Except for perhaps the good people at Hostess Powdered Donettes.

To know my mother – her name is Maria, cue the song from West Side Story – is to love her. Smart, funny, beautiful, the list of her attributes goes on and on. At least it will until she pays off my credit card.

It's a bittersweet thing to consider, one's relationship with a parent. My mother is the person who tucked me in at night, cut the crusts off my sandwiches and taught me that stealing candy bars is wrong. But enough about her visit to New York last week.

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Actors in the new Star Trek movie, which opens this weekend.

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

So apparently there’s a Star Trek movie opening this weekend. I know this not because I’m a fan of the franchise, but because Lou Dobbs keeps giving me the Vulcan salute.

Now, I’ll level with you, I’ve never actually seen an entire episode of Star Trek. Not the original. Not Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not even Star Trek Saves Christmas.

All I know is what I've pieced together by flipping through the channels in between Ron Popeil infomercials. From what I've gathered, the whole thing was based around a group of guys – Captain Kirk, Scotty, and Spock – who met at Gamblers Anonymous and later moved into a spaceship/meth lab.

Now, just because I’ve never seen an episode or any of the movies doesn’t mean that I have anything against Star Trek. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, quality television begins and ends with two words: William Shatner. Hell, I named my guinea pig T.J. Hooker. Sure, he died of malnutrition but that’s beside the point. I’ve just always had a tough time wrapping my mind around science fiction characters. Which explains my aversion to the cast of MTV's The Hills.

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Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

I’m a little disappointed, frankly, that Supreme Court Justice David Souter didn’t tell me personally about his retirement. I mean, come on, our families go way back: My grandmother once saw him in the grocery store.

Oh well, I’m more of a Justice Stephen Breyer fan anyway. I remember several years ago when I spent an afternoon at Justice Breyer’s home in Massachusetts. It was similar to the afternoon I recently spent on Lady Gaga’s roof, except I had been invited.

No, I wasn’t at his house to pitch my idea for a Supreme Court musical.  Antonin Scalia dance numbers? Yes, please. I was there producing a rare sit-down interview with the justice. And by producing I mean sniffing his furniture and stealing his ties.

The whole thing was surreal to say the least. To be in the home of one of the most powerful people in America left me almost speechless. It was like meeting Fabio all over again.

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Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

There’s nothing quite like spring in New York City. You can smell it in the air. An intoxicating blend of tree blossoms and crushed dreams. And, of course, everyone is saying, “spring has sprung.” Which, I don’t know about you, sounds to me like the tagline of a seasonal Viagra ad.

This past weekend actually didn’t feel so much like spring as it did like summer, at least here in Manhattan. To be honest, I wasn’t quite ready for it. And apparently neither were a few other people. Let’s just say Hell hath no fury like a Mama Cass look-alike behind the wheel of a 1987 Toyota Corolla wagon stuck in gridlock on Seventh Avenue.

At one point I went to Hudson River Park to enjoy the breeze. I had forgotten how much skin people show down there when the weather warms up. I kicked myself for not bringing a wad of dollar bills.

I was going to take my dog with me but she couldn’t decide on which tube top to wear so I left her at home with a jug of Pina Colada mix and those Larry King DVDs.

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From left to right, Jack's grandfather (X.L. Papaioanou), Aristotle Onassis and Michael Dukakis.

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

Well, actually, he’s not fat. But he does have Michael Dukakis’s eyebrows and Aristotle Onassis’s liver spots.

If you’ve been watching AC360° this week then you’ve probably seen our series of reports on the supposed health and longevity enjoyed by residents on the tiny Greek island of Ikaria. They’ve reminded me of my grandfather: a first generation Greek-American who has long insisted that the secret to a healthy life is a proper balance of Baklava and flat ginger ale.

Words cannot describe the strength and inspiration my grandfather, “Papou,” has given me over the years. Mind you, that was before he turned into a hermit who sits in his basement eating Sam’s Club-brand peanut butter cups and making paper mache busts of Yanni.

Nevertheless, Papou is a man to admire. A brilliant physician, he instilled in me the importance of hard work, honesty and – when he wasn’t looking – complimentary painkillers.

A man who by day saved lives and by night brought home items like a remote-controlled flatulence simulator called Le Farteur. “But it’s French!” he said, as my grandmother pushed him out the door.

He is, as his children and grandchildren will attest, a great listener – always available to dispense advice. Except when he’s asking strangers at Outback Steakhouse if they think he made a mistake by never becoming a chorus boy for Liza Minnelli.

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Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

So it turns out today is Earth Day. I heard something about it as I was in my Humvee, en route to stock up on Styrofoam plates.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m passionate about the environment. In fact, just this morning I was cradling a baby eagle. And – aside from me accidentally blinding him with my aerosol hairspray – it was pure bliss.

Sadly, I have friends who don't share my passion for environmental preservation. They give me strange looks when I discuss my rigid requirements for trash disposal. But their mocking has had no effect, I have not wavered: I still only throw away biodegradable items…like cigarette butts and relationships.

Of course I can't take all the credit for saving the environment. Some of it has to go to Al Gore. Who'd have guessed him getting booted from Hollywood Squares would have ended up helping restore the polar ice caps.

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Soleil Moon Frye in 2005.

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

First of all, I think we can agree that – with the possible exception of Boutros Boutros-Ghali – the coolest name in the world is Soleil Moon Frye. You know it, I know it, even Hugo Chavez knows it.

Ms. Frye – for those of you pretending to not know who she is – is the actress who rose to stardom playing lovable orphan Punky Brewster on the popular 1980s NBC sitcom of the same name. And let me say that if you really don’t know whom I’m talking about, well, I’m just sorry you hate America.

You see, long before stars like the Olsen twins and Hannah Banana, or whatever that Cyrus girl’s fake name is, there was Soleil Moon Frye. As a child, she was a staple of my weekday television viewing. As opposed to my weekend television viewing, which revolved mostly around the Solid Gold Dancers.

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Soleil Moon Frye reminding us once again what it means to have Punky Power.

Jack Gray
AC360 Producer/Writer

The real headline is not who made it to 1,000,000 Twitter followers first.  It’s that I had nothing better to do at 2:30am than watch a live webcast of Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore and – wait for it, waiiiit forrrr ittttt – yes, Soleil Moon Frye, dancing to “Celebration.”

After checking to make sure I hadn’t taken the wrong pills on the wrong day, I realized that Mr. Kutcher had indeed, by about a half hour, beaten CNN Breaking News (@CNNbrk) to the one million mark.  I informed my dog of the news, at which time she promptly yawned and scratched herself.

What can I say?  I’m no Ashton Kutcher (@aplusk).  I'm only me (@jackgraycnn).  I have a mere 2,000 or so Twitter “followers.”  No surprises there.  I mean, it’s not like I was the star of “Dude, Where’s My Car?”  Although I once was asked by a woman on the subway if I would star in a film she was shooting on her cell phone camera called “Dude, Where’s My Girdle?”

Anyway, Larry King (@kingsthings) was the point person for CNN on this contest.  And, let’s face it, I’m no Larry King, either. I mean, sure, I put on suspenders and shout out “Wichita, you’re on with Priscilla Presley.”  But, frankly, that’s between me and the other shoppers at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

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