Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

Well, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Try not to go too wild.  But yes, it’s true.  President-elect Obama is today announcing Bill Richardson as his nominee for Secretary of Commerce.  Which, while not an unimportant post, was not Richardson’s first choice.  Secretary of State was what Richardson really wanted.  Commerce was further down on his list, right below U.S. Ambassador to Dairy Queen.

Meanwhile, we’re still tying up loose ends from the fall elections.  You may have noticed there was a big run-off in Georgia last night.  Republican Saxby “Vote for me and Sarah Palin will show you how to kill a moose with your bare hands” Chambliss ended up holding onto his senate seat.  That means that the Democrats will not have a filibuster-proof supermajority.

I don’t know about you but I kind of like the name Saxby.  It has a nice ring to it.  I think I’m going to suggest to Anderson that he name his new iguana Saxby.  Oh, you didn’t know Anderson is big into iguanas?  Yeah, he walks around with one on his shoulder at all times:  “I’m sorry, I love your story pitch but my iguana Daisy Duke thinks it’s terrible.”

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Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

President Bush is in the autumn of his years.  At least politically speaking.  And, if his interview with Charlie Gibson last night was any indication, the president seems to be speaking more freely.  No, I’m not talking about the part of the interview when he stood up and did his Beyonce “Single Ladies” routine.  That was just bizarre.

The president seems reflective, nostalgic, even emotional – qualities that he no doubt inherited from his father, the famously mushy 41st president.  That’s of course compared to his mother, the stoic Barbara Bush, who after undergoing emergency surgery last week for a perforated ulcer spent her recuperation doing one-armed push-ups and bench-pressing orderlies.

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Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone, now it’s Christmas time in New York.  Frankly, I had forgotten all about it until I saw Santa trying to scalp tickets to Barack Obama’s inauguration.  I was struck by how shameless and cynical Santa had become.  Then I continued on my way to Central Park, where I watched smiling couples stroll arm-in-arm and tried to guess who among them were having affairs.

People tend to say that Christmas has gotten too commercial, but I beg to differ.  Take for example that sweet, soft-spoken couple I sat next to on the subway today.  I mean, if I didn’t know any better I would have thought they were Mary and Joseph themselves.  Because if there’s one thing I remember about Mary and Joseph it’s that they got into a obscenity-laced fight over whether Baby Jesus wanted an iPhone or a Blackberry Storm.

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Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

Well, we’re just a few days away from Thanksgiving. Or, as I call it, Xanax Appreciation Day. The airports, railways and roadways will soon be filled with travelers heading home to be reminded of why they no longer live there. Then, on Thursday, families across this great land will gather around the table for heaping portions of turkey and passive aggression.

I myself will actually be staying in New York. I drew the short straw and was assigned to take care of Anderson’s goldfish, Regis Hussein Philbin.

But even though I have to work on the holiday I’m still going to make some time for myself. In fact, I’m thinking of going to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. That, or set my hair on fire. I haven’t decided.

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Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

Sorry, that sound you heard last night was me screaming.  I was having that dream again.  The one where I’m a turkey being put to my death and Sarah Palin is standing in front of me laughing.  I’m assuming you’ve seen the now-famous video from yesterday.  No wonder she needed that $150,000 from the RNC for new clothes.  Her old clothes were probably still covered in blood from last Christmas, when she blew Rudolph’s head off.

I mean, seriously, does no one listen to my advice?  If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times:  When you give a television interview in front of helpless warbling birds being fed into a wood chipper make sure to put down your hot cocoa.  Otherwise you just look ridiculous.

And while Sarah Palin was starring in her own version of Fargo her former opponent Joe Biden was celebrating a birthday.  He turned 66.  And his hair plugs turned 4.  By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Madeleine Albright jumped out of a cake.

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Bumpy Gray, a car salesman's worst nightmare

Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer 

All of this talk about bailing out the domestic auto industry has made me a little nostalgic for the days when I used to go car shopping with my “be American, buy American” grandfather.  We call him “Bumpy.”  Which, apparently in Massachusetts, is a nickname for a grandfather.  As opposed to Manhattan, where it’s a nickname for a drag queen.

Back in those days Bumpy liked to do his car shopping during a Saturday morning’s worth of errands.  Groceries, dog food, new car.  All before noon.  Of course, he goes to bed at 4:00pm.

Anyway, he’d pick me up at my house, offering the obligatory “you don’t mind the pipe, do ya?”  “No, (cough),” I’d say, “it’s (cough) fine,” as I blindly tried to find the window handle through the cloud of tobacco smoke.  Meanwhile, the radio would be set on the smooth rock station.  You know, the one that boasts the largest playlist of Linda Ronstadt ballads and Diana Ross/Lionel Richie duets.  Yeah, that’s Bumpy’s favorite.  And for an added bonus he’d offset the music with frequent strings of expletives leveled at other drivers.  To this day I instinctively blurt out “don’t even f—ing try it, pal” whenever I hear Carole King’s “So Far Away.”

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Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

What a difference two weeks make.  Barack Obama is meeting in Chicago today with John McCain.  I’m sure McCain is looking forward to it.  Because there is nothing at all humiliating about flying halfway across the country to hear the guy who beat you say, “John, don’t forget to have my secretary validate the parking for your Hertz rental.”

Meanwhile, the guessing game continues about whether the president-elect will nominate his longtime ally Hillary “Shame on you Barack Obama” Clinton to be Secretary of State over such vocal critics as John “Barack Obama can help our country turn the page” Kerry and Bill “Barack Obama will be a great and historic president” Richardson.

There is concern among some that there could be conflicts of interest between Hillary Clinton’s leadership of the State Department and her husband’s overseas business dealings.  With that in mind, the Obama transition office is looking into the former president’s fundraising, consulting deals and speaking fees.  And his stint as a greeter at the Riyadh Wal-Mart.

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Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

The weekend is finally here and that makes it difficult not to smile. Unless you’re John Kerry, who just smashed a bottle of Heinz ketchup against his wind surfboard upon learning that President-elect Obama is considering nominating Hillary “I have great respect for Senator Obama.  Did I mention he has a slumlord friend named Tony Rezko?” Clinton to be Secretary of State.

My guess is that Hillary would take the job, if offered. Provided, of course, Obama agrees to her request for a slight change in title: Secretary of State and Whatever Else Bill & I Damn Well Please.

Some people think she’s too much of a superstar in her own right to be a team player in an Obama administration. But not me. I can see her as Secretary of State, sitting there at tense Middle East peace negotiations and bluntly telling those around her: “Look, I’m not prepared to make any kind of commitment on behalf of the United States until I consult with the president.” And then she’ll call Bill.

I do love the speculation about high-profile cabinet positions. It always involves secret meetings and games of cat-and-mouse. We get leaks that the major players are meeting at an “undisclosed location.” Which sounds very All the President’s Men until we find out that the undisclosed location is underneath Dianne Feinstein’s ping-pong table.

Meanwhile, everyone is still talking about the Obamas’ future dog. It’s an important decision, to be sure. Because, let’s face it, with Dick Cheney leaving there’s going to be a vacancy for someone who will break wind in the Roosevelt Room without apologizing.
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Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

Well, it’s about time.  Now that the presidential election is over America can return its focus to that which is truly important.  For example, perhaps you’ve been so caught up in politics that you didn’t know Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of next month’s Vogue.  And inside the magazine she discusses her new Christmas movie: “It’s a Wonderful Life…Until Angelina Jolie Steals Your Husband.”

Then there’s Lindsay “Hey Anderson Cooper, if you think my mother is a trainwreck just wait until you hear my political analysis” Lohan, who offered her take on the election to that venerable chronicler of American history known as Access Hollywood. “It’s an amazing thing,” she said, “it’s our first colored president.”  Thanks, Archie Bunker.  You can stop talking now.

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Hail to the Chief…Labradoodle?

Jack Gray
AC360 Associate Producer

Not since Friday night – when the woman dining at the table next to me, a woman who had not blinked in at least 30 minutes, loudly announced in between shovelfuls of chicken parmagian that her parents liked to make love on Sunday mornings – has there been a more ridiculous moment than that which is unfolding at The White House today.

President-elect Obama is taking a break from making cracks about elderly, widowed, broken-pelvis suffering former First Ladies to visit President Bush, who is taking a break from throwing tennis balls to his dog, Cujo…I mean, Barney.

It’s the time-honored tradition where the outgoing president of one party hosts the incoming president of the opposing party and the two pretend they don’t loathe each other. Then, afterwards, their staffs release predictable statements along the lines of “President Bush and President-elect Obama had a frank and productive discussion about the challenges facing the Nation.” When, in reality, everyone knows Obama was trying to decide where he’d install his arugula crisper and Bush kept challenging him to an arm wrestling tournament.

Meantime, upstairs in the First Family’s Residence, Mrs. Obama will be complimenting Mrs. Bush on her exquisite taste, adding that she “can’t imagine changing a thing.” Which translates to “I’m immediately dispatching the Secret Service to Crate & Barrel.”

Elsewhere, animal shelters all over the country are no doubt contacting the president-elect’s office to offer up the perfect hypoallergenic puppy. In this era of instant celebrity, the new First Dog is certain to become the center of a veritable cottage industry. Even my dog, Sammy, is trying to cash in. Her new memoir, “I’ve Never Met a Labradoodle Who Didn’t Try to Sleep with Me” is now in bookstores everywhere.

Believe it or not, though, there are matters more pressing than pets with which the president-elect must prepare to deal. Take, for example, the issue of a nuclear-armed Iran. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is fuming after President-elect Obama called such a scenario “unacceptable.”

Personally, all of this nuclear talk seems a bit surreal considering the President of Iran wears the same L.L. Bean windbreaker as my grandfather.

By the way, did you hear there are websites that are offering up tickets to the Obama Inauguration for as much as $21,000? Which is fascinating considering tickets to the inauguration are actually free and have not yet been released. Though apparently with that $21,000 ticket you get a sub-prime mortgage and an AIG beer can cozy.

And, yes, to those of you who were watching the AC360 webcast Thursday night. That beautiful and charming woman whom Erica pulled onto the set to chat with her and Anderson was indeed my mother. She was in town for her annual visit to make sure I’m stocked up on Windex and anxiety.

Because, my fellow Americans, mothers know no term limits.