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April 22nd, 2009
02:45 PM ET

Global warming has nothing on my Snuggie

Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

So it turns out today is Earth Day. I heard something about it as I was in my Humvee, en route to stock up on Styrofoam plates.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m passionate about the environment. In fact, just this morning I was cradling a baby eagle. And – aside from me accidentally blinding him with my aerosol hairspray – it was pure bliss.

Sadly, I have friends who don't share my passion for environmental preservation. They give me strange looks when I discuss my rigid requirements for trash disposal. But their mocking has had no effect, I have not wavered: I still only throw away biodegradable items…like cigarette butts and relationships.

Of course I can't take all the credit for saving the environment. Some of it has to go to Al Gore. Who'd have guessed him getting booted from Hollywood Squares would have ended up helping restore the polar ice caps.

There are, as always, the critics who say I’m a hypocrite, that I’m actually not doing enough to save the planet. Unfortunately, once again, that they have their facts wrong: I don’t have a chinchilla coat, I have a chinchilla bathmat.

And no, I’m not exploiting endangered species for monetary gain. That snow leopard wanted to do those used car dealership commercials.

Sure, not all of my attempts at environmental activism have gone smoothly. I mean, I tried to embrace my inner hippie. It’s not my fault that rolling around naked in the mud doesn't qualify as standing out from the crowd in New York. Not even on the subway.

And it’s not like I didn’t sign up for what I thought was an alternative energy supplier. You can imagine my surprise when I opened my door to find a drag queen named Hydrogen Tanks.

At AC360°, as you know, we have our critically acclaimed Planet in Peril series. I asked to be assigned to work on it but was turned down. Something about the elephant tusks I had tried to hide underneath my “Oil companies do it slicker” beach towel.

At one point I came close to joining GreenPeace, but backed out at the last minute after learning they didn’t have a bowling team. I also considered volunteering for the Sierra Club but balked when they refused to pay me in Delta Sky Miles.

Anyway, here we are. Earth Day 2009. I hope you’ll join me in doing something environmentally friendly. Like recycling that already empty container of muscle relaxers you picked up at the pharmacy yesterday. Or helping the rare Siberian Tiger break his addiction to adult movies.

Because, remember, if you do something to help the environment on a day other than Earth Day, it doesn’t count.

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soundoff (85 Responses)
  1. Don, WA

    I believe that if we ever get attacked from Mars it'll be on Earth Day.

    Having said that, another great article to read Jack Gray – and allthough I'm not a twitter'er, I peek at the JG twitter link sometimes and it's really fun to read – you really are hilarious Jack Gray – and I like to laugh.

    April 23, 2009 at 10:11 pm |
  2. MarieAnne Sam - Alabang in the Philippines

    Thanks for the laugh and 2 chuckles your blog brings (as always!).

    Unique sense of humor and unusual insight!!! Keep it coming! 🙂

    April 23, 2009 at 7:51 am |
  3. Dilini

    Just discovered your blog today. I just love it 🙂

    April 23, 2009 at 7:31 am |
  4. Mercy

    How do I love thee, if I counted in giggles it would be alot!

    April 23, 2009 at 1:58 am |
  5. Pati Mc, Camp Hill, PA

    I walked everywhere today, so I am glad to hear that it 'counted' due to Earth Day. So what is tomorrow...Jupiter Day????

    Oil companies do it slicker??? Groundbreaking.

    April 22, 2009 at 8:20 pm |
  6. David Lynch

    Love your blogs!

    April 22, 2009 at 7:37 pm |
  7. Jason Weatherford, OK

    Another great blog! I even learned another use for my Oil Companies do it Slicker towel. Mine has just been used to trap baby seals.

    I'm looking forward to more! Happy Earth Day!

    April 22, 2009 at 7:29 pm |
  8. L. Carilo, H.R. CO

    Hey Jack, I think I’ll cap-off tonight by RECYCLING some of your past blogs. I’ll fall asleep smiling for sure.

    P. S. As if Earth Day wasn’t enough to remind some of us of our shortcomings, do you know what tomorrow is? Take Your Child to Work Day. Ha Ha Ha! Laugh’s on me…I’m a stay-at-home mom for crying out loud. I don’t want my kids seeing me laughing, singing and dancing like I do while they’re at school. Only my dog is privy to that info. Oh, and you guys, now. ~ L.C.

    April 22, 2009 at 7:17 pm |
  9. Kristin, Canada

    I also almost joined GreenPeace, but the guy on the street corner annoyed me so I gave him a fake phone number and took all the free stuff.

    Love the blog, and you're one of my favourite twitterers 🙂 Happy Earth Day!

    April 22, 2009 at 6:58 pm |
  10. Merry

    That was a riot! Always love your blogs!

    April 22, 2009 at 6:58 pm |
  11. Annie Kate

    Jack

    The comment about Hydrogen Tanks was priceless. Best part of the whole post.

    I would beg to differ with you on when it counts to do something environmentally friendly – it counts every day and not just on Earth Day. So don't use that Earth Day excuse to explain why you didn't recycle or try to save energy the rest of the time....the Greenpeace patrol might come and hang a banner on you if you do!

    April 22, 2009 at 6:55 pm |
  12. Marian

    Jack, you are really clever and funny – why won't Anderson include you on his show once in a while to liven it up!???

    April 22, 2009 at 6:21 pm |
  13. Terry, TX

    You forget to talk about the new light bulb..from China...you know the green one....that has the toxin mercury in it....and it cost a fortune...a company in Kentucky for regular light bulbs and now buy these green light bulbs from China.

    April 22, 2009 at 6:14 pm |
  14. Vanessa, TX

    Hiya Jack! Happy Earth Day! wow, so we can add "environmentalist " to Gray Groupies in "what we love about Jack Gray". As a kid, I never knew what Earth Day meant..but now as an adult..I still don't know what it means! lol Also had to give up my chinchilla bath mat..schucks..lol

    Great post today, Jack! Thanx for the laughs! See ya on twitter..
    Luv ya lots 🙂

    April 22, 2009 at 5:45 pm |
  15. Tammy, Berwick, LA

    As the tree hugging child of flower children, I have always thought Earth Day was a pretty awesome reminder to love our planet and take care of it at all times, not just on the day marketing execs decided they could milk it. Really, the hippies were right.

    April 22, 2009 at 5:45 pm |
  16. Barbara in Boston

    I just want to know if Hydrogen Tanks rolled around on your chinchilla bath mat, you bad girl.

    April 22, 2009 at 5:28 pm |
  17. vanessa from silver spring, MD

    Happy Earth Day Jack! Great blog today.

    April 22, 2009 at 5:16 pm |
  18. Jennifer - Michigan

    Happy Earth Day Jack!
    Went to see Disney Earth today!! OMG......It was totally and absolutely AWESOME!! I'd like to go see it again already. Man 'o man – what a treat! The film footage was so incredibly thrilling. I'll dream about it tonight that's for sure. Awesome! By the way, during the previews, they showed a trailer for Disney Oceans coming Earth Day 2010! I'm toally hooked, it's going to be hard to wait that long. But, it'll be worth the wait.
    Anyway, hope you have a great Earth Day today. Thanks for the funny post today – you're such a good writer. Talk to you later.

    April 22, 2009 at 4:26 pm |
  19. BusyMama

    Great blog! I added Anderson Cooper to my Facebook & just discovered your blogs through him. Very funny! Thank you.

    April 22, 2009 at 4:06 pm |
  20. @cfloridaboi

    Nice job Jack. As I dab away the laughter-induced tears of joy with my baby calf fur tissue, I am filled with the desire to toss out my styrofoam dishes and buy some real ones. Earth Day is important, who better to have a celebratory day? Tonight I'll rest peacefully on my authentic goose down comforter and awake tomorrow, ready and willing to betray Mother Earth at every turn. Because, as you said, any other time I toss another can of Red Bull into the recycling bin, it doesn't count.

    April 22, 2009 at 3:40 pm |
  21. Rebecca Collins

    Whether here or on Twitter, you make me smile every day 🙂

    April 22, 2009 at 3:33 pm |
  22. mary lou

    Jack
    I am addicted to reading your blogs . I sit in my office and laugh out loud . We share the same cynical outlook at life and your writings and rantings put a spring in my step. Dont stop twittering or i will really have to get some work done

    Happy Earth & Admin Asst Day

    April 22, 2009 at 3:16 pm |
  23. GH

    LMAO! "Oil companies do it slicker." Jack, you are such a b-h, and I love you for it. Frankly, the green theme is starting to get on my nerves. Typical of the fashionistas to take a good cause and make not only a major fad out of it, but a competition: "How green are you? Bet I'm greener!" Now I'm hearing about how overweight people allegedly contribute to carbon dioxide pollution by eating too much, and I don't even want to think how they do that, or how they'll deal with the discrimination added to that which they already face. People, let's not go overboard here.

    April 22, 2009 at 3:10 pm |
  24. Jon Borges

    I have two recycle bins, YES TWO PEOPLE, so if I can do it, so can you! I am passionate about recycling and I wish others would jump on board. If people would just take a moment and observe how big and full our dumps are, they might think differently.
    STOP this crappy notion that "IT IS TOO MUCH WORK". No it is not too much work. Cities need to step up and demand and require that people recycle and that companies be required to follow strict guidelines when it comes to packaging.

    April 22, 2009 at 2:50 pm |
  25. Rikki, Fargo, ND

    I do hope that you recycle Sammy's Vodka bottles...that alone could probably save the Earth! 🙂

    I didn't even know it was Earth day...and coincidentally I brought all my recycling over to the bins to be recycled! 🙂

    April 22, 2009 at 2:49 pm |
  26. JayQ

    Jack, your a hoot.

    I remember the first Earth Day and didn't think it would last. My lord, I am so proud of the pass generations. Can you remember when water looked like diluted milk? Or all the trash from open windowed fast food chains on the streets? Or that strong odor of Bus fumes in the city?
    Life just seems to get better!

    Have a Great Day Jack.

    April 22, 2009 at 2:37 pm |
  27. Heidi Ann Berg

    Keep up the good work Jack..hehe

    April 22, 2009 at 2:29 pm |
  28. Doug

    Hello, Jack–

    Spot on funny.

    Perfect for Earth Day 2009: The day we all forgot Administrative Assistant's Day. (and, just because it's the same day as Earth Day does NOT mean the boss is allowed to treat you like dirt).

    Well, I'm off to annoy the neighbors by tossing a few plastic gallon milk jugs into the backyard burner barrel – Take care, and I'll follow you on twitter!

    April 22, 2009 at 2:27 pm |
  29. Alyzabeth

    I really hope other people will ebrace Earth Day as a day to beging to care about the Earth and recycle and go green so I don't have to!

    April 22, 2009 at 2:17 pm |
  30. tracey-st.louis,mo

    very good! @its_tracey

    April 22, 2009 at 2:15 pm |
  31. Amy

    Halarious! A good laugh I needed!

    April 22, 2009 at 2:14 pm |
  32. Michelle Johnson, Lomita, CA

    Hi Jack, you always deliver the laughs! Really clever, witty piece today. You working on Planet in Peril; that's a good idea! We'll finally get to see you on air, along with the insects, snakes, alligators, quicksand . . . . .

    April 22, 2009 at 2:12 pm |
  33. mallory

    your humor and writing style is fantastic.... your blogs make for a great start to my day!

    April 22, 2009 at 2:12 pm |
  34. Helen, Reading, UK

    By the way Jack, if you e-mail me a contact for the makers of Snuggies, I'll order a shipment with your picture on to sell to the Gray Groupies..

    April 22, 2009 at 2:11 pm |
  35. Helen, Reading, UK

    Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Gotta say, Jack that's one of the best blogs yet! Almost up there with 'I Left My Heart and Leather Pants..' I've been laughing out loud so much, I can hear my downstairs neighbours muttering something about noise pollution while trying to find the number for the local loony bin. As I always say, do your bit for the environment – save gas, fart in a bottle! I'm off down the takeaway now for battered eagle and chips. Jack, if you read this, got your letter today. Thank you SO much, I've been grinning like a Cheshire Cat since I got in from work. I love you, man! Smell ya later dudes x x x

    April 22, 2009 at 2:09 pm |
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